I’ll start off by saying, I have known since I was young girl that I did not want to be a mother or have my own children. I have always been pro-choice & believe that everyone should be able to make this choice for themselves. Everyone’s situation is different & we should not judge. I have taken many precautions so that I didn’t have to make such a mentally tough decision, but I ended up having to. I am so happy that I had the support of the few who know as I know that’s not the case for many.
Story: After almost a decade with my now husband – then fiance – I found out I was pregnant. Just a few days over 4 weeks. I took 3 tests to be sure because I couldn’t believe my eyes – thanks a lot antibiotics. I fell to my knees and immediately called my best friend in tears not knowing what to do, even though I had this talk with myself times before ever being face to face with not one, but 3 positive test results. She calmed me down – as she always does – and went over my options with me, though she knew which I was going to choose. I hesitated to tell my fiance, because this was a scary moment that neither of us had ever faced before & we’d been through a lot at this point. He also knew my decision and was supportive of me. Over and over in my head I went through the typical “what would this child look like”, “what gender would this child be”, “I’m not giving my parents a grandchild”, “I’m not giving my nephew/nieces a cousin”, “what kind of mother would I actually be”, “I’m not giving my siblings a niece/nephew”.
My head flooded. I felt like I was lying to everyone who I came into contact with & honestly still do (3 years later). On the flip side, I know how different my life would be, and sometimes I know (selfishly, because I know me and that’s how I am), it would be for the worse, I love my own time, my own money, doing what I want. If I had that child – I would not be where I am today : mentally, physically, emotionally, or financially. I knew I had to make that choice, not just for me, but also for my husband and the life we want to live. Each September I think back on the day I found out, the three 2.5 hour long drives I had to take to the clinic that would take me, and the mental drain it took on me. I also still cry because I’m sad for that girl in the bathroom on that Tuesday morning and the wonders of what my life could have been had I not made the decision still surround me. But, I am not ashamed of what I did and I do not regret it. I feel free.
