It’s okay to choose yourself.

by Anonymous

November 19, 2018

I was 18 with a stomach ache when I drove myself to the family clinic I had been going to since I was 12. I thought it was just a stomach virus, that I would get prescribed antibiotics and carry on with my day when my doctor came in with a stern look on her face. She sat down across from me, sighed and told me that I was pregnant. I felt my stomach drop and instantly began crying. She came closer, rubbed my back, and asked If I was going to keep it. Immediately I answered back that I wasn’t. The guy wasn’t even my boyfriend, we didn’t love each other, and I knew I would resent myself if I went through with it. Not to mention, I would shatter my poor hardworking mother and father’s hearts.  And it was at that moment I realized that I had made the toughest yet most obvious decision in my life.

I practically ran to my car and while I was sobbing, contemplated calling my best friend. I knew I wasn’t going to keep it, but I wasn’t sure what she would think about my decision. Now that I look back, I realize that it shouldn’t have mattered. I called her and told her the news. She freaked out a little but it calmed me down to know that I told someone that I trust about it. We met up and talked about it, and I asked her to do one thing, not tell her boyfriend. She promised me that she wouldn’t. A couple of days past, I told the guy what was going on and that I had made my decision about it. He was totally supportive and willing to pay for the abortion. Abortion… I knew I wasn’t going to keep it, but I didn’t think about the actual abortion. It freaked me tf out. I had been searching online and found out that you could cause a miscarriage with vitamins (which was not a good idea) and told him I didn’t want an abortion, and that I was just going to use supplements. They didn’t work. I made an appointment and decided to pay for it myself. I blamed myself for getting into this mess, so I punished myself and worked doubles to pay. I didn’t tell the guy (let’s call him Clint) either, I just told him that I miscarried and that he didn’t have to worry. Clint comes up to me one day and tells me he was hanging out with my bffs boyfriend and asks me how knew about the situation. I didn’t know that he knew… I was so mad, at her, for telling him but I was scared of going through it alone, so I forgave her. I cried myself to sleep every night. One of those nights my best friend called me up and tells me that she doesn’t support me, or my decision to terminate the pregnancy, that she doesn’t believe it’s God’s will. That shattered me entirely. Like I needed another reason to feel like complete absolute trash. So I tell one of my very close coworkers, who already knew and completely supported my decision, if she could take me to the appointment. Fortunately, she did.

We went the day of the appointment, and a couple hours later I was out. I was so relieved it was over. The relief I felt was so immense. I felt like I could breathe again. I felt like me again. I am so eternally grateful for those brave women who fought for our right to choose. If I didn’t have that right, who knows where I would be.

So many crazy things happened, and I saw who was there for me and who wasn’t. I still work with and speak to my best friend but it will never ever be the same.

I don’t regret it. I chose myself. I chose sanity. I chose more time to find and know myself. Do not ever feel ashamed to chose yourself.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!