Search

It’s not your fault.

by Dana

August 8, 2018

I had an abortion in March 2015 at the age of 25. I was in a loving relationship that I’m still in today. I remember taking the test early in the morning in the bathroom at work… when it was positive, there wasn’t any doubt about what I would do. I didn’t cry. I don’t have any moral objection to abortion. I wasn’t ready to be a mom. But I still felt this sinking feeling of shame. How could I have let this happen? It was a really damaging thought that still haunts me.

 

I was using the Nuva ring at the time… and for whatever reason (I was busy, I forgot, the pharmacy was out of the way that day… I honestly don’t remember), I hadn’t picked up my prescription and was late putting in my new ring. And I had sex. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t done it before.

 

When I told my boyfriend, he told me that he’d gotten his high school girlfriend pregnant and had been through this before. I told him what happened and he didn’t blame me at all… I asked if he felt ashamed like I did. He didn’t. I tried not to too.

 

We went to planned parenthood together and I opted for the abortion pill so I could be at home with him. But I continued to blame myself… “I should have known better” was the phrase that kept coming up in my head.

 

To this day, it’s not the abortion itself that brings me pain. It’s this feeling that it’s my fault somehow. I’m trying to practice self love. I know that many many many women go through the same thing. Sometimes I even get angry that this is solely my responsibility to make sure this doesn’t happen again… why haven’t they made male birth control yet so that our partners share in the process to not get pregnant, given it’s a two person decision?

 

A year after my abortion I tried to get an IUD. But apparently my cervix is shaped like a crazy straw and the (excruciatingly painful) insertion failed. I continue to use the nuva ring, but literally every month, the day before I get my period, I have this sinking feeling like… what if I made a mistake? Did I put it in the right day? Did I do everything right?

 

I know that if it did happen again, I’d make the decision that’s right for me. I do not regret my abortion in any way. I’m a smart, driven woman who loves herself and her partner. I’m so grateful for planned parenthood and donate to them every month. I know that if this happened to a friend, I’d tell her it’s not her fault and I’d really believe it. Why can’t I do that for myself?

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!