I have always been someone who is pro abortions, recognizing the necessary part they play in giving women autonomy over their health and futures. I, however, never expected that I would have to have one done, a decision which feels a whole lot different when its turns from a hypothetical to a reality.

When I was 18, I got the implant inserted, a birth control method claimed to be “more effective than sterilization” which should have lasted me until i am 23. Fast forward to a month ago, I felt off and had a weird gut suspicion that i may be pregnant. I took the test on a whim because my period was never regular with the implant. When it came back positive I felt shocked and absolutely sick. I am with a partner who i love and want to have children with eventually but also plan to go back to school in less than a year, the thought of taking that on with a baby felt so overwhelming.

When it came time for my appointment, I felt nervous but sure of myself. After the ultrasound the clinician shared with me that I had twins and asked if I wanted to continue with the abortion. I called my partner and had a freaking out moment. Twins feels special for some reason like an anomaly. But I decided that if i’m not ready for 1 baby then I most definitely am not ready for 2.

I know logically “I don’t have to justify my decision to have an abortion”, but sometimes I kinda do have to do it for myself to get me through the tough emotions of shame and guilt that come up and I have no control over. I have good days and I have bad days. When the emotions come they crush me.

The most challenging part is feeling so alone in this experience that really is so common. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this, not because no one knows but because abortion is a topic which makes other people feel uncomfortable, they don’t really know what to say or how to support you. Also, I feel like it’s a conversation I can only bring up so many times before I need to have moved on and healed to not be a burden. And I see other woman handle their abortions so confidently and graciously. I am quite frankly still a mess at a month out and unsure if I will ever lose that emotional tie to the what ifs.

I know as all things, it will get better with time. And maybe the emotions aren’t such a bad thing, as they mean I truly care and that this was a heavy and significant decision for how my life plays out. I’m not sure of how the healing process will be going forward. But, I can say that this page helped me feel not so alone.