It’s been a strange sensation living the last 36 hours post abortion. I never personally thought I would have one myself, until I found out three days before Christmas 2024 that I was expecting. I don’t even know what in my mind said I needed to take a test, call it intuition? I tried contacting the father to meet in person to tell him, but he wanted nothing to do with seeing me. I think deep down he knew, but he wasn’t willing to face what I had to say. I was drinking and partying a lot before I found out, and I had just started my new job two months prior. I knew at that moment, as much as I didn’t want to, that I had to terminate my pregnancy.

I tried so hard not to get attached to it, even going so far as to call it a “parasite” just to keep myself from falling in love with it. I continued my every day life, my job consisting of physical labour and partying with my friends. It didn’t matter because I knew it wasn’t going to make it anyways. But the night before my appointment,I felt overcome with guilt and anger. If things had been just a bit different before I found out, I might have continued with the pregnancy. The day of my appointment was so emotional, and even though the nurses and counselors had done everything to make me feel confident in my choice, I still had so many mixed feelings about saying goodbye to my parasite.

I live in Canada, where abortion is 100% legal so there was many choices I was able to make to keep it in my control. I got to keep a copy of the ultrasound photo, and I got to make arrangements for the remains to be cremated and scattered in a community garden specifically dedicated to early pregnancy loss. That decision alone made the choice so much easier. The nurses tried their hardest to ensure I was comfy during the procedure but I felt everything. After I returned home, I spent an hour in the shower crying and returned to my couch to sit with my thoughts. The night afterwards I only slept for one hour, my nightmares filled with the sounds from the procedure room and hearing a baby crying in the background. It was enough to wake me up and keep me up, laying in bed shaking. All night I had the worst back pain and all I had to keep me warm was a little heating pad, curled up against a pillow all alone, waiting for the sun to rise.

Today hasn’t been much easier and I find myself feeling rather isolated. I’m hoping tonight is a bit of an easier sleep, and although I feel sad about the loss, I don’t feel guilty. I feel gratitude that I had access to a safe, legal abortion and my health was their priority the entire time. I’m only hoping it will get easier to cope day by day, but only time will tell.