I have always been pro-choice, however when I was younger, I was terrified of having an abortion: I knew there was no singular experience but felt it would somehow be traumatizing to me.
I took my birth control religiously, I got scared after unprotected sex but eventually relaxed as the years passed without any pregnancy scares. I even warmed up to the idea of motherhood–something I thought I would never be interested in. So I stopped taking the pill, stopped using condoms and thought, whatever happens, happens!
Much to my chagrin, I didn’t get pregnant after a few years: I was convinced that I was infertile… so when me and my boyfriend broke up, I felt I didn’t need to get back on the pill. What a stupid mistake!
I got wrapped up in a toxic relationship, living with a man I only knew for maybe 5 months. We fought constantly, but struggled to leave the situation due to our finances. I was losing myself.
In January of last year, I missed my period–still I thought my body must be off (it’s happened before) so I didn’t think to visit the doctor. Finally, however, I went in when I had some serious abdominal pain… at the end of February.
By the time I realized I was pregnant I had 1-2 weeks to make my decision to keep it or not. Although I was happy I could get pregnant I was devastated the father was someone I hated. I didn’t want to be tied to this guy forever. I didn’t want him in my life, popping up at birthday parties or arguing over custody.
I told him, out of decency, and he spent a good 3 days arguing with me to keep it. He cried and felt he should get a say on what happens (thank god he didn’t). I held strong though: I was sad to go through with it, as I don’t know if I will ever get pregnant again, but it was necessary. I was doing it for the sake of the little bean in my womb: never would it utter “I wish I was never born”, never will it see its parents at each other’s throats.
I did it for my sake too: to give me a fighting chance at success, to be free from this man, and to choose when I become a mother.
I decided to take the pills, spending my last $10 for them. I couldn’t even get the norcos the doctor prescribed for possible pain. No one but my partner could watch over me that day. I went home, took them and waited.
At first nothing happened. I thought I might have to take more–but suddenly my stomach began hurt and I became nauseous from the pain. To get nitty gritty and be unapologetic, the pills made me empty my bowels. I was on the toilet not knowing which end was going to blow, hurting, and scared.
I eventually found the strength to get up, I wanted to be in bed, but at that point my body was in too much pain to stand. I almost passed out, and called to my partner but he was too busy cooking. Somehow, I made my way upstairs, I absolutely refused to pass out anywhere else and that was the weakest yet strongest I have ever felt.
The pain increased, it was awful. I lay in bed and cried, moaning from pain. My partner eventually came upstairs and freaked. He said I looked green, and couldn’t handle me crying: terrified, he popped a painkiller (instead of, you know, helping me). He passed out shortly after.
So I went through it alone.
The doctors warned me there would be cramps, and heavy bleeding. I don’t think any of what they told me could have prepared me.
I definitely had a traumatic experience, but that was more so due to my circumstances than anything else. I get anxiety when I get cramps, remembering the pains…however I came out of it more positive. I set forth after healing to move upward in my goals and health.
I’m in a better mental state, was able to free myself from an abusive, toxic situation, all because of my freedom to choose.
