It Saved Me

by Margot

April 13, 2019

I have always been pro-choice, however when I was younger, I was terrified of having an abortion: I knew there was no singular experience but felt it would somehow be traumatizing to me.

I took my birth control religiously, I got scared after unprotected sex but eventually relaxed as the years passed without any pregnancy scares. I even warmed up to the idea of motherhood–something I thought I would never be interested in. So I stopped taking the pill, stopped using condoms and thought, whatever happens, happens!

Much to my chagrin, I didn’t get pregnant after a few years: I was convinced that I was infertile… so when me and my boyfriend broke up, I felt I didn’t need to get back on the pill. What a stupid mistake!

I got wrapped up in a toxic relationship, living with a man I only knew for maybe 5 months. We fought constantly, but struggled to leave the situation due to our finances. I was losing myself.

In January of last year, I missed my period–still I thought my body must be off (it’s happened before) so I didn’t think to visit the doctor. Finally, however, I went in when I had some serious abdominal pain… at the end of February.

By the time I realized I was pregnant I had 1-2 weeks to make my decision to keep it or not. Although I was happy I could get pregnant I was devastated the father was someone I hated. I didn’t want to be tied to this guy forever. I didn’t want him in my life, popping up at birthday parties or arguing over custody.

I told him, out of decency, and he spent a good 3 days arguing with me to keep it. He cried and felt he should get a say on what happens (thank god he didn’t). I held strong though: I was sad to go through with it, as I don’t know if I will ever get pregnant again, but it was necessary. I was doing it for the sake of the little bean in my womb: never would it utter “I wish I was never born”, never will it see its parents at each other’s throats.

I did it for my sake too: to give me a fighting chance at success, to be free from this man, and to choose when I become a mother.

I decided to take the pills, spending my last $10 for them. I couldn’t even get the norcos the doctor prescribed for possible pain. No one but my partner could watch over me that day. I went home, took them and waited.

At first nothing happened. I thought I might have to take more–but suddenly my stomach began hurt and I became nauseous from the pain. To get nitty gritty and be unapologetic, the pills made me empty my bowels. I was on the toilet not knowing which end was going to blow, hurting, and scared.

I eventually found the strength to get up, I wanted to be in bed, but at that point my body was in too much pain to stand. I almost passed out, and called to my partner but he was too busy cooking. Somehow, I made my way upstairs, I absolutely refused to pass out anywhere else and that was the weakest yet strongest I have ever felt.

The pain increased, it was awful. I lay in bed and cried, moaning from pain. My partner eventually came upstairs and freaked. He said I looked green, and couldn’t handle me crying: terrified, he popped a painkiller (instead of, you know, helping me). He passed out shortly after.

So I went through it alone.

The doctors warned me there would be cramps, and heavy bleeding. I don’t think any of what they told me could have prepared me.

I definitely had a traumatic experience, but that was more so due to my circumstances than anything else.  I get anxiety when I get cramps, remembering the pains…however I came out of it more positive. I set forth after healing to move upward in my goals and health.

I’m in a better mental state, was able to free myself from an abusive, toxic situation, all because of my freedom to choose.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!