It never truly goes away, but it gets better

by Lyndsey

October 26, 2020

Content Warning: anti-abortion harassment

It’s been 1 year since I’ve had mine and it is still the best and saddest part of my story I choose not to read aloud anymore. I have accepted it. I have talked about it. I have grieved. I have screamed and yelled and cried on the floor for days and hours. But I have also celebrated that I’m not a single mother especially during this pandemic. But most importantly I have decided that I am not ashamed anymore.

I was called a murderer, an abomination, told I was going to hell, every terrible pro-life statement that could be yelled at someone. Hell, someone even sent me a drawing of a woman hanging a baby and told me that’s basically what I did to my “child”  I get sad from time to time knowing that this past June I would’ve had something I never thought I wanted until I realized that I could conceive. But I also am happy and thankful because the man I would’ve shared a child with is as worthless as the year 2020 has been if I’m being honest and I thank God that the doctors told me it was growing abnormally so terminating the pregnancy would have been the best option regardless. It was almost as if it were a blessing in disguise in my opinion. For some people it is freeing and they never look back and I stand with them and respect their feelings, but for others I know it is hard and devastating and sticks with you for a long time, if not an entire life time because of the “what if’s” and the “what could have been’s”. It is definitely an emotional rollercoaster for me, but as I’ve hit this 1 year mark of letting it completely peel away at me in every way it possibly could, I am finally happy and no longer hating myself.

I like to believe that this abortion saved my life and I am forever grateful and thankful to the amazing women that helped me at the clinic and my circle of female warriors that helped me push through it. Today I am thankful. Today marks the beginning of a new year of endless possibilities and gives me hope to know that I can at least conceive and will one day meet the little one meant specifically for me with no complications and with the perfect partner that won’t just up and run away to a weaker female because he “doesn’t do heavy emotions, and my emotional roller coaster is just too much”. Today, I feel love inside and out for myself and it feels damn good to finally be here. Today, I feel free.

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