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It happened once, and now it’s about to happen again

by Jess

May 2, 2019

It was late May 2018.

I was already a 21 year old young mum to a beautiful 6 month old little girl. I had left a heavily abusive relationship with my ex partner of 6 years. It had only been a week since our split, when I started to feel tired, exhausted and emotional.. similar feelings to those I had experienced while in the early stages of pregnancy with my daughter, and when my period didn’t come like clockwork as usual I got scared.

I was in denial. “I can’t be pregnant, not this soon, not at this time”. But the pregnancy test told me different. I was about 4 1/2 weeks along. First thing I did was call my mum into my room, I was living with her after the end of my relationship so I could focus on saving money & studying whilst having support around. She was supportive, gentle & warm. She held no judgement, she said she would support me no matter what. She opened up about my Aunty having an abortion and my grandmother, and told me that whatever I did, I would be making the right decision for myself and my daughter, and the  tiny little creation I was pregnant with.

I made the decision to have a surgical termination, it was not fair on me, my daughter or this little child & It would take away time and attention from my daughter, which we needed together to heal from what we had been through. The day of the termination arrived, my best friend at the time picked me up to be my support person and took me to the clinic. She confided in me that she too was pregnant and having to make the decision to terminate. It made me feel safe & not as alone. We talked and cried and shared emotions all the way to the clinic. When I arrived, the clinic was quiet, only a couple of people waiting looking just as scared and nervous as me.

I was called into a couple of rooms, where I had my obs taken, my weight and my blood taken. I was then called In to a room where I met the doctor who would be performing my procedure. He was nice, he did an ultrasound to check my gestation. I was 5 weeks & 6 days along. He hid the ultrasound from me as best he could, but I did catch a glimpse of the tiny bean on the screen and my heart dropped. I was told I could pull out of the procedure any time up until I was given the anaesthesia.

I was finally called into the theatre, where I was wearing a gown & had a large pad put into a pair of underwear ready for when I woke up. I lay down on the bed, lights above me, people talking, explaining what was happening. The last thing I remember was having my hand stroked and Held by the doctor while counting back from 10. Next thing I know, I’m awake in recovery, being fed biscuits & juice. I felt relief, but also shame & guilt. I felt empty, and I just wanted to go home and cuddle my little girl.

I got changed and walked out to the waiting room where my friend was waiting for me, arms wide open. I hugged her and cried, I smiled at the brave women in the waiting room as I left and just went home and cried to my mum. I bled for a few days, just like a period, and then it stopped. All my symptoms went and I continued on with my life like normal. I enrolled in paramedicine (my dream degree) and I focused on friends, my daughter, study & saving. Life was amazing.. until I made the decision to get back with my abusive ex because I was convinced he’d changed and I wanted that family life together we’d always dreamed of.

It’s the 12th April 2019, I am turning 22 in a month, my daughter is now a beautiful 18 month old little girl & once again I find myself in in the abusive relationship I left previously, scared, alone and ashamed, with my degree put on hold,  whilst 4 weeks pregnant. 2 days ago I took that test, and two days ago I knew I had to make the same decision I made almost 2 years ago.

I am booked in for a surgical termination on the 18th April 2019. I am just as scared as I was the first time and feeling just as guilty, but once again, I am making the right decision for myself, my daughter, and this child. It is unfair to bring another child into this situation.

I don’t want my babies to think that they weren’t wanted or loved for one minute, because they were, more than anything, which is why I’ve made these decisions. And I hope they come back to me, one day when I’m older, more stable & a better person.

 

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