Isolated in Pregnancy

by erika

August 17, 2022

I didn’t know of my pregnancy until it was too late. When the symptoms began and then remained for an entire week, I paid a visit to my doctor. They ran every test they could think of. In the following days, I’d wait for a call with my results from my doctor.

When I didn’t hear anything back, I called to ask for the results myself.  This was during the peak of Covid. I received a faint “everything looks normal”. I had been taking birth control for years and never have I had a regular menstrual cycle.  I trusted my medical team. Everything looked fine.

After months of isolation from anyone I even knew the name of, came the night I saw my stomach move. I knew instantly, and for a movement, I had hoped that it would mean I’d no longer be alone. But it was too late for the baby; too late for me to survive the rest of the pregnancy. I had lost so much weight and sanity. Mind and body were no longer connected. Nothing in the world was for me anymore. My time was over, And I exclaimed to myself everyday through the mind wrenching pain the desire I had to die.  Begging my body to not be mine.

I lost many parts of myself during the summer of 2020. I was too far along to take an abortion pill.  My only option was to drive to New Mexico for a 2 day surgical abortion.  It took me about a month to raise the money I needed to get the surgery. At this point, my blood test results were so poor and there were so many unknown complications with my pregnancy, I had to keep testing until it looked safe enough to proceed.

The day before I would drive to New Mexico, I received a call from my father and step mom.  My father informed me they would be at my apartment the next morning to take me with them to Houston, and that I was not to go to Albuquerque. It was a common feeling that washed over me- the belief that I had no control for myself and that I was living to please others. I wasn’t going to live another two, let alone 4 months at my state of health. I have struggled with anorexia since I was 13, and my malnourished body was not safe for the baby. I could feel that. There wasn’t anyone around my pregnant self for over 3 months. It ached and pained me to be alive at any second of the day. The tiniest part of me knew what to do. I drove to New Mexico that night.

Arriving in Albuquerque 

There is no physical pain as great as what I experienced the next two days in surgery; but there is also no greater feeling of relief than my experience in the recovery room following my procedure. I burst into tears of joy as I sat with  myself. There was another patient who then arrived. They were local to NM and very grateful to live in the state. When I was asked if I lived there and I answered with a no, the patient praised me for my bravery.  It was the first time in a year I felt in control of my own being.

I will not allow the darkness of my unknown pregnancy to define me. Instead, I have used my experience to strengthen myself and gain control over my own life.  I don’t experience any regret to this day.  I finally see a life and future for myself that was never visible before.  Without the abortion I wouldn’t be alive today.

For now I live for myself and to extend help in any form that is effective and touches even one person. I am never going to stop fighting for my girls.

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