Even though i knew that was my only choice because of the circumstances i can’t escape the guilt.
No matter what it doesn’t leave me. I feel bad for doing or even thinking good things about myself. Makes me feel like a bad person.
How selfish of me to think of my welfare when this guilt is killing me.
I feel compelled to just stay sad. I doubt i can feel like myself ever again. Even before all this i used to fight to tell myself i deserve happiness now i have no reason to tell myself that.
It’s like i have opened a black hole and getting sucked into it.
I can’t look at myself, my god or anyone. It feels so unreal what i had to do.
I just really wish I could have avoided it all. I should have been extremely cautious about something whose consequences i couldn’t bear.
I don’t know why i never sat down to understand the depth of what it would mean if i actually get pregnant. I have all the reasons to hate myself and to feel like i deserve no happiness.
All my life i have shrugged to take care of myself and to make myself feel i deserve good things.
But at times i get angry at myself. I just can’t see myself getting sucked in the black hole. I have seen so much pain and I accept it’s my fault that i wasn’t cautious but i am already in pain for the choice i had to make. I am already suffering. There is something inside me that wants to protect myself.
I have no reason to believe i deserve good things but i still want to take card of myself. Even if i feel bad, i feel like a different person, i feel selfish, i feel egoistic i want to take care of myself.
If god bless me with children which i so badly want, i always wanted and still want to be a mother i want to heal myself to take care of them better.
At times when it is very logical that i hate myself i want to love myself because i can’t see myself suffer in so much pain. I’ll cry when i feel like crying and I’ll sleep when i should sleep. I’ll continue working on things i planned for myself even if it looks and feel wrong.
I am sorry to the soul which i had to release. I am sorry i am not in that state to welcome you. I’ll always remember you in good and bad times. Some part of me will never forgive me for what i did but i had to do that. I hope wherever you are god is taking care of you.
