It’s been almost 4 months since my medical abortion. I’ve been married since I was 17 (now in my mid thirties) to an emotionally abusive man.

Long story short, I ended up engaging in a chance affair that I did not seek out. This guy was perfect in every way, and he caught me at a highly vulnerable time in my life after a life-changing accident.

He always talked about getting me pregnant. Knew I wasn’t on birth control and refused spermicide etc. We had never had sex quite in my window though, as he lived out of state, so our meetings always happened randomly and at times when I was a day or two off from being fertile. But one time, in September ‘22, I was going to be ovulating. I told him he should pull out. He said that was boring, and referenced me being pregnant again and how we should roll the dice.

In my crazy love-filled haze, and in the midst of my awful marriage and on the heels of my accident with PTSD, I thought what the hell….if it happens, it happens. I figured he needed a reason to actually leave his wife (whom he had convinced me was a shit mother to their kids).

I got pregnant.

He immediately broke down crying, saying his friends were going to think he was a scumbag forever (these are all highly educated individuals who are high earners), and how he wouldn’t get to tuck his kids in every night anymore and how his wife might kill herself. Turns out, he just had a pregnancy kink.

He pushed me into abortion. He ultimately paid me many thousands of dollars to do it.

It was the hardest decision for me, and it took 3 times of me going to the clinic for me to go through with it. The first time, I stalled. The second time, they pulled me off the table because I was hyperventilating. The third time I took the pill.

I panicked after taking the pill in the clinic. Didn’t take the rest. Contacted another clinic to get emergency progesterone to try to reverse what I’d done, because I was too chicken to try to throw them up because my own anti-abortion mother had been pushing me to do it too. “I wouldn’t have a baby with THAT guy! You can get divorced and find someone else who WANTS to have a baby!”

The progesterone didn’t work. I passed my baby a few days later. I was so devastated.

My mental health was horrible for the next two months. I truly wanted to end things. I couldn’t believe I’d let everyone else make a decision FOR me. I kept telling my baby I was sorry. I kept what came out of me. It’s in a tiny mason jar, and I’d planned on burying it, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it.

I named it. I think it was a girl. After three boys, she was desperately wanted and so loved.

I struggle even today.

But it has been four months now. And I’m getting divorced. And I have met an amazing man who is a doctor and who treats me like an absolute queen and wants to give his 12-year-old son a sibling. It has been fast, but when you know you know, and we plan to get married and pregnant as soon as my divorce is final.

I resented my mom for her comment. But, looking back, it was the right thing to do. I will never forget my baby. I will always regret I couldn’t keep it. But I can’t say I regret my choice. Even though months ago I’d have given anything to reverse it, even my life.

But back then I made my baby a promise. That I wouldn’t waste my life anymore. That I’d get out of this marriage and find a wonderful man and honor him/her by being happy.

I smile more now than I used to. I’m well on my way.

Abortion wasn’t easy for me. But it was what I needed to have the life I’m about to live. I like to think my baby understands that….somewhere, wherever he or she is.

I’m doing it, Baby. Just like I promised.