I’ve had 2 abortions. My first was in the beginning of January and then this last week. Seeing the positive sign the first time around made me so scared of what was to come and seeing it the second time was a nightmare. I wasn’t thinking of having any babies this year as the person I was with – it was a one sided relationship. I loved him so very much, but he had severe lying issues and couldn’t offer me a healthy relationship he knew deep down inside I truly deserved.
Knowing that he would not change for me or for a baby made the decision a bit easier in deciding what to do. I knew I would not bring a life into this world without having the proper father figure. He was there for me while I had my first abortion, but I did not want him to be part of my life anymore as the love was cheap as he was in another hidden relationship from me. So, the second one was way more difficult. But the only way I felt okay was knowing that it would not have been an amazing life for the child if it was going to be in my life this year as I would want it to have both father and mother figures available while being in a healthy relationship.
I have up and down moments where I get super sad when I think about the possible child that could’ve been had and how beautiful and precious he/she would’ve been and it does break my heart quite a bit, but the relief of knowing the baby won’t have to wonder if the father can be there in the proper way for it allows me to sleep an ounce better at night. Even though it seemed tough at the time for me to go through with the abortions, when I weighed the pros and cons, it made it at least a little bit more refreshing once it was over since the cons outweighed the pros. When ever I’d cry or feel bad about the abortion I wrote this as though I was talking to the child I knew I would not have – I wish I could’ve kept you but I know our lives wouldn’t have been what you deserve. Each day I will continually honor you and thank you for making the sacrifice so I could jumpstart my career; so your dad could take the proper steps to fix our broken situation and get his life together. You always will be part of my heart and if someday I see the two lines again on the test I know it will be you coming back. And when that day comes we’ll both be ready. Love you Prince and Kelsey
