I’m thankful for the abortion I didn’t need.

by Cerise

April 11, 2019

I never actually had an abortion, but my story is still very much relevant. I was 20 years old and in my first relationship. Slowly, I started to realized how incompatible we were, not to mention he was emotionally and mentally abusive. I didn’t care though, he was the only man I’d ever had sex with and I was determined to make the relationship last.

We had been dating about four months when I lost my virginity to him. It was a terrible incident where he showed absolutely no concern for my pleasure or even general well-being. We had sex a handful of times using condoms when he ordered me to go to the health department to get put on birth control. He insisted that he couldn’t feel anything using a condom and that he couldn’t get as firm of an erection, so the contraceptive duties fell on my shoulders. I went and was examined and given the pill. The doctor ordered that I take my  first one in the office, so I did, even though I was mid cycle and the package suggested starting it on either the day of your period or the following Sunday.

Of course, starting the pill in an unconventional manner meant that I wasn’t protected right away but my ex didn’t care. I knew my next period would probably be at an unusual time, so I didn’t pay it any mind at first when it was late. Days and eventually weeks passed and still no period. I took a test and it was negative. So I took another and there was a very faint positive. I didn’t tell my ex, but I brought up the subject of abortion to gauge his reaction.


“If you ever had one,” he said. “I would never be able to look at you the same way.”

I went to my parents’ house for the weekend and researched abortion providers on the web browser of my flip phone (this was years before unlimited data so you can imagine the phone bill I racked up that month) The nearest one was a couple hours away and I racked my brain trying to figure out how to get there. I had just gotten AND crashed my first car, and it was being repaired. I couldn’t ask my conservative Christian parents and I sure as hell couldn’t mention it to my ex or he wouldn’t love me anymore (took me another year to realize he never loved me to begin with). My best friend was away at college… I started to message her and then erased it.

I looked up ways to have an at home abortion. Desperate times called for desperate measures. I was so young and there was so much I wanted to do in life. I never wanted kids to begin with. I worked at a clothing store making $6 and hour and my ex couldn’t hold down a job due to some mental issues he had. I could not bring a baby into such a situation.


So I prayed. I wasn’t even religious, but I prayed.


The next morning, I woke up with some bleeding. Severe cramps followed, and I spent a good hour on the toilet, sweating and passing the blood and tissue. Despite being in the worst pain of my life, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. It was over. I went back to bed and slept all day.

You never understand what it means to be pro-choice until you are faced with the choice. For years, I always said I could never have an abortion but I supported others’ rights to. I didn’t think I’d ever have to consider that decision. Fortunately, life knew what I needed when I needed it, so ultimately I didn’t have to go through with it (although, technically a miscarriage is a “spontaneous abortion”) but I was prepared to. I’m glad the option was there if I needed it.

(Ten years later, I’m in a happy, healthy marriage with an amazing man. I’m 30 and still child free. I would’ve made a terrible mom back then, and I’d still make a terrible mom!)


Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!