When I had my abortion, I chose life for myself.
I’m a person of faith. I had an abortion. I came to find my path through the fire I’ve walked. I’ve been a pro choice feminist my whole life. I’ve lived through a lot of trauma and come out the other side of many personal trials fragmented and scarred, but alive. I’ve known since I was a young child I have absolutely no interest in being a parent, let alone enduring a pregnancy. When I discovered I was pregnant, I was actively and heavily addicted to drugs. I was a sex worker supporting my addiction, and nothing else mattered. My mental illness was starting to get a lot worse, and I wasn’t coping with new/worsening symptoms in the slightest. I didn’t understand what was happening, and that alone was frightening. I had no money, was perilously close to homelessness, relying solely on the kindness of strangers and in many cases, their sexual wants. Any and all money I made immediately was converted into drugs. I was living more dangerously than I knew at the time, and I’m lucky to have escaped though it often doesn’t feel that way.
12 years later, I’m over a decade free of my addiction. I no longer work in the sex industry, though I found a lot of healing in reclaiming my sexuality on my terms working in the kink community. The mental illnesses I was experiencing all those years ago now have names and I’ve been in treatment about 7 years. Things are still difficult, but I have help and I’m learning to cope. I’m still on my way to building a life for myself, and I’m unable to work at this point. I’m living month to month, but because of love and support I have somewhere to live that leaves me with money left after paying rent. I’m able to focus on myself, my own healing, and my own future. With an important holiday coming up, I wanted to share my story. I honor that fetus, and every iteration of myself, for that choice every day but more consciously at this turning of the wheel. It is at this time I light a candle in thanks and honor of the gift of my choice.
I am grateful I wasn’t forced to endure a pregnancy that realistically would’ve ended poorly. I have had anorexia and body dysmorphia for many years. I did then and I do today. I thank that spirit every day and I thank myself for doing what was best for both myself and that burgeoning soul. It is my belief that somewhere within the Earth, that spirit found a better, healthier, and more viable life than I could have ever provided. When I had my abortion, it began to dawn on me that the life I was living wasn’t sustainable or worthwhile. When I had my abortion, I chose life for myself. It took time, and relapses, but I managed to abandon that addiction and start to heal. I am still healing today.
Because of my choice to abort, I saved my own life. I was able to grow beyond an unhealthy identity. I get to learn who I am and root deeply and grow stronger. Today, I’m a queer disabled woman advocating for change and acceptance. I’m working toward a creative career I’m passionate about and is within my limits and ability. I’m following my own life path and accepting every twist and turn. If I’d had that child, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I don’t feel the child my pregnancy could have created deserved the life they may have been dealt. And today isn’t perfect, but I have opportunities ahead of me, where all those years ago I had none. My life isn’t exactly as I’d like it to be, but it can be someday. It will be, and I’m working to manifest that. For that reason, I honor that spark of a spirit and am grateful with no regrets. I admit I can’t remember much of my life, in part due to the addiction and in part due to mental illness. I don’t remember details of the time around my abortion, but I remember a very lucid moment post abortion, where I felt such relief I momentarily felt physically and spiritually lighter.
My healing is still a work in progress, but I wouldn’t be who or where I am today without making that choice. I’ve come farther than I’d thought possible. I am often open about having had an abortion, but I hold this story closely almost always. It’s not shame, it’s that being able to choose when to share and when to remain private is just as empowering and life saving for me as my abortion was.
