I’m sorry, mama.

by Ang.

August 26, 2020

After two weeks of waiting for a period & nausea beginning to settle in, I decided to confirm what I already suspected. Positive right away.

I didn’t know how to feel in that moment. Being young you feel almost immune to the reality of these things. I made my way back into my room and couldn’t help but cry.

The only person I wanted to seek guidance from was someone I couldn’t tell. My mother, a devoted catholic woman with strong pride in her beliefs. I always remember the stories she’d share of her pregnancy, how difficult it was to manage at such a young age. “I could never be one of those woman who are scared of the responsibility, god punishes.”

Sometimes I feel guilty of how easy the decision was to make. I never second guessed. I knew I was not meant to be a mother in this life. I’ll never be able to share such a vulnerable moment in my life with my family, which I think hurts way more than the actual process of medically miscarrying your baby in the bathroom.

The process of booking the appointment was surprisingly very quick and easy. I was so relieved to see other women my age, just as frightened and awkward. Anxious hands that wouldn’t rest for a second, nervous leg shaking, heavy gulps.

I kept a copy of my ultrasound. I plan to paint it someday but mostly admire that at some point I carried a heartbeat that was not mine. Thank you for listening and for the relief.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!