I’m 22 with a toddler. In June 2022, I had an abortion. A week before Roe v Wade was overturned. I was confident it was the best decision for our family, as we were not ready for another baby and were in the middle of a straining financial situation. Now, on the due date of the pregnancy I aborted, February 8th, I found out I’m pregnant again. Obviously the timing of me finding out made me incredibly emotional. I was confident in my abortion choice until this happened. Now I live in Arizona. I cannot get an abortion here and my insurance is only valid here. We don’t have money to drive out of state and pay for one out of pocket. I’m not completely excited about being pregnant. I wanted more time with just my daughter. We live in a 1 bedroom with 2 adults and 1 child. We now have to move to make room for another. We need a new car to make room for another car seat, the car we have now is on the verge of probably not working anymore anyway. Just so many big things have to happen in a short amount of time. I think I’m not excited because I know I don’t have a choice. That if I really did feel like I needed another abortion I cannot get one and that scares me.
I feel guilty for not being excited. I know we can make it work and I know I will love my child endlessly regardless of whatever we must do to prepare. I just want to be the best mother I can be and it’s hard to guarantee that when we weren’t ready for this. And now we have to force ourselves to be. I don’t want more than 2 kids, and I know have to make peace with the fact I will never experience a planned pregnancy that I can fully embrace from start to finish. Even when i got pregnant with my daughter, I was 19 and we weren’t trying. But now I know I will never get to have that experience. And it breaks my heart. My boyfriend and I are talking about 1 of us getting sterilized after this to ensure we don’t have more children. I know we are young, but if abortion isn’t available I don’t want to unexpectedly have more children than I would like to have in life. I wish people that are against abortion would understand I only ever got an abortion to be the best mother to the child I already have. To try to not stretch myself too thin by having more kids than I could handle before I was ready. I don’t want to cause unneccessary trauma to my children. I feel insanely guilty and there isn’t anything I can do about it.
