I’m meant to be a mum one day…

by Ell

May 18, 2020

I will always believe I was placed in this world to be a mum and still to this day, exactly 552 days since my abortion, I am still meant to be a mum. It was exactly 1 week after my 21st birthday I found out I was pregnant.

I knew I was pregnant before I even took the test I said to my partner at the time “my body feels different, I know I am pregnant.” I did my test as he left our apartment to go to university asking me not to do the test until he was home. I decided against that it was my body and I needed to know now. Although I peed on my little stick and watched three episodes of friends before it even crossed my mind to lean of the side of my bed and pick the pregnancy test back up off the floor. I seen a tiny faint line, I wasn’t sure, I put my light on and gazed at the test for a few moments. I rang my partner and took a deep breath and said “you need to come home it’s an emergency.” He came straight back to our home, walked through the door, he already knew from looking at me. He held me and said “it’s going to be ok.” The sickness I felt the aching in my heart, I knew there and then these were not the emotions I should of felt.

Approximately five days later at 8am I was sat in the hospital surrounded by pregnant women waiting for my name to be called, ready for my termination. As I entered the room my mum and my partner waited outside the room, as they heard my screams and cries from the other side of the door they couldn’t bear it. They needed air. As I went to place the first tablet against my tongue I knew there was no going back from the hardest decision I will ever make. I say “sorry I need to check with the dad one last time, if this is what he wants.” So I go and ask and say “for once I need you to step up make a decision for me and us, because I can’t make this decision on my own.” He responded as he always did “I will do anything that makes you happy.” My only question was “are you ready to be a dad?” And as much as it teared my heart it wasn’t our time to love a child just yet.

I have always had a passion for children, I always will. Every time the topic was discussed I’d say “I’d would never have an abortion, I love children too much” but you never know what your decision will be until you’re in that moment. I love children, they will always make me smile and I know when it is my time and I am ready I will be a mum, but it just wasn’t my time first time round.

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