My story is a little different to most that I read about online. For starters, I wanted the pregnancy and I wanted the baby. I was in a relationship, but it was very early on, and I could see a future with him. We were both scared but excited for this new future. Then I saw the life I was about to live. In a house that wasn’t mine, on borrowed wealth, in a town I wanted to leave. I saw myself get lost in motherhood and I was scared. So I tried to make changes. We fought. He laid out a list of all the things I do ‘wrong’, attention seeking things in his mind. A list I didn’t know existed. I was distressed. He was diagnosing me and held no empathy for my challenges as a new mum. I suddenly saw I would be a single mum. Still, I fought. I had HG for weeks and I fought. I wanted this baby. I loved it. I knew there would be a way. He was barely around and I was so sad some days but I loved my baby. But, when I saw the future I saw challenge. Struggle. Chaos. I saw a loss no matter the road. I looked into adoption, but felt scared of harming my child’s ability to feel loved. I knew I couldn’t give her up. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I had dreams of premature birth and miscarriage, and I became scared. I chose abortion because I didnt want to give up my freedom when I had no resources to raise a child. If the future looked bleak for both of us, I figured it would be better to start again. Build a better future and try again. I love that baby with my whole heart. I saw her on the scan, heart beating, peacefully existing. I made this choice for her and it tore me into pieces. I will never be the same again. But, I did it from a place of love. For myself and my child.
I cried and cried and cried, regretted it too, played it in my head over and over, changed my mind. But for what? I would still be in the same place. Broken home, healing wounds in myself. I wasn’t ready and instead of hating myself for that, I am proud that I could admit it to myself and choose myself, and my beautiful baby’s future. I believe the soul will now have a chance to find a loving family. My only regret is waiting until 10 weeks. But I don’t regret it, because those were 10 precious weeks I had with her ❤️ Now I am working on forgiveness and permission to grieve. No mama wants to make this choice.
