Ignorance is bliss

by Lilith

May 3, 2021

I grew up super Christian. I married my husband hoping that one day we would want a family, but the day never came. I just didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t want that for my body. I never really felt “like a woman”.

Finally, I told him I wanted a baby because I thought it would make my husband  happy. Maybe it would make me feel like a “woman”. He immediately got on board even though I knew he didn’t want to either. I got pregnant in a few weeks and as soon as I saw the two lines I regretted it. I cried on the floor and thought some really dark things. I am recovering from an eating disorder and I was in the thick of it then. There was no way I was going to survive  9 months of weight gain. Plus I was severely depressed and I’m high risk for PPD. So I called my mom got the money for an abortion and booked an appointment. Luckily we grew up in the same church and my husband knew nothing about pregnancy so when I got the abortion about a week later I told him I miscarried.  I don’t know if he believed me. He immediately seemed relieved. Years down the line he told me he was glad I miscarried because he didn’t know how (back then) to verbalize that he didn’t want kids. Now we are openly child free. I told him the same. I’m glad I got the abortion, I’m glad I had the chance to get it done safely and privately. My way might not have been the most honest, but it was done. 8 years later I don’t regret it. I have left the Christian church and I’m a full blown non binary witch now.

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