May 20th 2016 was the day I had my abortion. I discovered I was pregnant at the end of my sophomore year of college. I was experimenting sexually with different partners at this time of my life, most of whom were friends. I wasn’t using any birth control, only relying on condoms. From age 16 to 20, that was my method. And I know now that it wasn’t smart, but at the time I didn’t know how/ or who to talk to about things like birth control.
I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. My period was late too, but there was something, something inside me that knew. So when I took the test I had almost no emotions. It was like how am I supposed to react to something I already knew??
I told the father. I knew who it was because after recently having sex with him, while heavily intoxicated, 2 days later he told me he came inside me without a condom. (Still not pleased with him about that) I even bought and took a Plan B because I was so close to that 72 hour window.
But as the next few days passed I became very sad and scared. I wanted to have my abortion in AZ before I went home for the summer in CA. I couldn’t make an appointment in time, or pay for it, and I cried my whole flight home. I told my mom the day I came home, and her reaction was mean, selfish and disappointing, but exactly as I expected. I needed her to know because I needed help with our insurance, otherwise I’d have known better than to tell her.
After my abortion I was relieved, but then guilt and sadness sank in. I was deeply depressed. Not only about the abortion, but a recent death of a friend, my relationships with parents, my relationship with friends, my relationship with the father of the child, and unresolved childhood experiences. Everything came up at once, and everything made me so unhappy, and it felt like everything could be related back to my abortion.
I sought counseling mostly for my feelings after my abortion but other things too. I started journaling. I wrote a letter to my unborn child. I cried and cried and cried. I called an abortion hotline during a time of crisis.
Now two years later, I know this was the best decision at the time, and best decision still. Sometimes I am sad and I allow myself to be sad. But mostly I am empowered by my choice. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to choose. I know I am not alone. And I know that one day I will be a parent when I am ready.
