Growing up, I never thought I’d have kids or want kids. As a teenager, I got diagnosed with some hormone abnormalities. My cycles were never regular and I had cysts rupture on my ovaries. They said it would be difficult, though not impossible, for me to conceive and sustain a healthy pregnancy. Despite my mom being a fertile myrtle, there were other women in my family with similar health issues to mine who were never able to get pregnant. I’m not sure if I never wanted kids because I actually didn’t want them, or because I thought it wasn’t a likely outcome for me. But no matter what it was, I developed a lifestyle that isn’t conducive to having kids. I rely on my body’s ability to be extremely physical. It wouldn’t be impossible to get pregnant and have a family with my lifestyle…I’ve seen women do it, but it also wouldn’t be the most practical.
A couple years ago, I very unexpectedly got pregnant. The father and I didn’t know what to do. We committed to considering every option. It wasn’t until I got pregnant that I thought maybe it IS something I wanted in my life. I grew very attached to the idea, but I wasn’t sure if it was what I actually wanted or just the hormones. I also know I would likely experience some regret no matter what I decided. Ultimately, for many reasons and after what was a difficult decision for me, I chose to end the pregnancy, even though I was afraid of regretting the decision, or not having a second chance at becoming a mom. My relationship ended at the same time as my pregnancy. Not because of my choice (termination was what he wanted), but because it wasn’t the right partnership and the pregnancy revealed that.
I would be lying if I said I never think about my pregnancy or my abortion. Sometimes I think about it often, other times it doesn’t feel like a cannon event in my life. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have an almost two year old, and I even allow myself to question if I made the right decision. But, I’d also be lying if I said I regret my decision because I don’t. Yes, sometimes I yearn for a child. But most of the time, when I ask myself the question, “If I could get pregnant right now, would I?” the answer is more often than not, “No”. That might change one day. And, it might not.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that one day I might feel like I missed out, but I would rather regret not becoming a mother, then regret becoming one. I won’t make a decision now based on what I *might* want in the future. I often wonder if this decision would have been so hard for me had I not been taught from a young age that abortion was wrong. Or, if I had heard more stories from more women who had gone through it. I can say no, with more confidence than ever, if I ever do decide to become a mom it will be a beautiful addition to my life, not something that happened because of fear of judgement, fear of missing out, or any other type of fear. It will be because of love.
