I wish I found this website earlier

by Anon

February 8, 2021

Content Warning: mention of suicide

October 2nd 2019

A date I will never forget. Ever.

I had found out about you, and already being a single mum of one, my unexpected positive test at 11pm that night, just a few weeks after my missed period was nightmare fuel. The morning after I rang my doctor and got in that day. I remember saying to her that day “I have been testing positive for pregnancy with at home tests, I do not want to continue with this pregnancy” as I had not long been into the clinic for my PPD & PPA. She instantly sent a referral to the local clinic and told me to wait for a confirmation call or email.

I went home so scared that day and told no one, I later rang my mum and told her. She asked me if I could consider adoption and I said no because I had a very difficult pregnancy with health complications with my 1st. I also knew I did not want this pregnancy to jeopardise my relationship with my nearly 1 year old. I had struggled really hard that year being a single parent already and my own mental health let alone throwing another baby into the mix.  She asked who the father was but I told her I didn’t want to go into it. She is religious and wasn’t super happy but told me she would support me no matter what. My abortion’s father (is it bad to call him that?) was her neighbour at the time, we had been on and off for a few years. I honestly thought either get a abortion or have to kill myself because I was at an extremely low point in my life already and that nearly tipped me over the edge.

I decided to ring the clinic and ask if there was a reservation for me the next day. There was. I only had an ultrasound done downtown and they said that was all they needed to know to perform a termination. I chose not to see the scans because unexpectedly getting pregnant for me was the most traumatic part of this ordeal. Plus I did not want to get attached.  We used a condom and although I was not on the pill,  I got pregnant from precum. I tried to call my abortion’s dad but he blocked me, a bit immature on his behalf but that helped me make my decision. It was in a way refreshing to do this for ME and my existing kids and not have him trying to make the decision for me.

I don’t remember much from the day of, in our country (New Zealand) we are very fortune there are no protesters. So I was surprised as I thought that was something that happened all around the world. The staff were sympathetic and made sure I was comfortable the entire time I was in the procedure. A male doctor did it, he shook my hand and introduced himself before I was numbed up by the nurse and let me tell you, he was extremely professional. Told me exactly what I wanted to know and how I am going to feel afterwards etc. I appreciated that being a professional myself. He asked me “are you sure you want to do this?” And i said yes and thought of my baby at home who I desperately wanted to be at home with. He handed me two star shaped pills 💊 and told me to leave them at the top of my mouth then he would get his assistants to wheel me in when they had kicked in. 15 minutes passed and I was feeling really high. The nurses talked me through the entire procedure and I felt really supported, I didn’t feel a thing. Although I felt sad because just the year before I went into the hospital and came out with my daughter, as soon as it was over he sat me up and said it’s all over, and handed me my remains in a tiny flax bag. Seeing this made me cry, but I remembered why I did it and I said thank you to him and then I was wheeled out of theatre. Instantly all my sickness feeling and tightness on my uterus was gone. Immediately I felt relieved.

A few weeks after I had a whole new lease on life, I felt free again, and not like my body was a incubator. I don’t have regrets but I do get waves of sadness sometimes. I know it was the right decision for me at the time and I like to think when the time is right I will meet that little one again.

About 3 months after, I decided to get the implant birth control. And I have loved it. It felt very odd going in but I knew nothing would compare to unexpectedly getting another positive pregnancy test and having to make a decision on what to do about it. I feel happy and I don’t regret anything because I know things happen for a reason.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!