Its been a week since I said my last goodbye to you. I never knew what love was until I seen a positive pregnancy test. A little me growing inside of me. I straight away knew that I wanted to keep you.
Deep down I was scared. Hearing all sorts of things which could happen when people are pregnant. Death, stillborn, miscarriage and difficulties. I’m 17 and still in college, aspiring to become a solicitor. You were unexpected.
Your dad didn’t want you. Me and him weren’t together. It’s a weird story, we were like friends with benefits. I do love him, I had half of him inside of me, how could I not.
I had doubts. I was 6 weeks and 3 days. My pregnancy symptoms were stopping me from being able to do a full shift at work and to loose focus on college. I wanted the symptoms to stop, I wanted to feel normal again, I felt weird. The idea of me being a mother made me feel weird. I’m still a young girl.
I’ve never experienced real love before. I don’t think anyone’s ever loved me for me, but I knew that you would. My head was a mess, I didn’t know what to do.
At the end, I just wanted to stop feeling horrible and under the weather. I couldn’t eat, I was put off my favourite foods, I felt sick and tired all the time. I was alone. Your dad didn’t care how I was feeling.
I had a medical abortion at home by BPAS in the UK. The day came when I had to take the first pill. I hesitated, I wanted you. But then I wanted to stop not feeling like myself. I took it. I didn’t realise what I had done. I didn’t feel nothing.
The second day came to take the next pills. I showered in the morning. I looked down at you. I felt emotionless, I spoke to you and said I’m sorry. 2 hours after taking the pills I started cramping. They was strong. They lasted for around 20 minutes. Then the bleeding started. I still felt nothing. I remember sitting on the toilet, I saw you. Thats when I felt guilt. I came back home from my sister’s house. I felt empty.
I’m still bleeding a little bit. Words can’t explain how I feel. I want you back. You’re my baby. At the same time I feel free, like I can have a baby with the right person. Your dad wasn’t right for me.
Now I feel alone. I miss you. I would do anything to get you back. I feel lost. But my baby, life in this world and generation is not great. You are better off in heaven, playing with the angels, looking down at me. I want to make you proud.
I will always think about you. I will never forget you. I bought a necklace with angel wings and an angel looking down at a heart. You are my angel. I will always wear that necklace, I promise you. You are my first and always will be. My star in the night sky. One day I will meet you again. I love you my baby. Mummy loves you. Sleep tight. I’m sorry.
