I was 21, jobless, and involved in an abusive relationship. I had been waking up sick and nauseous for a few days. I just felt different then my regular self. I finally had the realization that every person who has had a baby told me before that they knew they were pregnant before they took the test.

I bought a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I remember reading the test with such delight and happiness, but also dread. I knew that if I walked out of that bathroom, everything would change. I wanted to stay in that bathroom and savor the moment. I was delusional thinking my now ex partner would be happy. I pictured them taking me in their arms, and promising that we could do this. I wish that could have happened. When I finally walked out and showed them the test with a big smile on my face, they were very upset. I remember the first thing they said was that they didn’t want a baby. I didn’t want one either, but here I was. Pregnant with a baby.

The short lived pregnancy was difficult. I couldn’t eat anything, I was sick all the time. I got a job, and had to quit because I couldn’t even work without being sick as h*** every hour. I did a lot of thinking and realized that I did not want to carry this person’s baby or be tied to them my whole life. I was worried that I wouldn’t get custody. I was jobless and couldn’t make more then minimum wage at that time. It all reminded me too much of my childhood that I grew up in. Poor, cold, hungry, and no father. I always wanted more for my children and told myself that I would never put my kid(s) through that.

I had come to terms that I wanted an abortion, no matter how hard it was for me. If I wanted to be a good mom to my own standards, I would have to go through the works to get there. I ordered my pills online with help from a close friend. I had my abortion in my apartment bathroom. It was a traumatic experience for me. The grief is still something I struggle with sometimes. It’s something I have learned to grow around. I believe its made me a more thoughtful, intentional and softer person. I believe grief is like a big ocean. Sometimes the water is still and calm, andI can breathe and get my head above the water. Sometimes it’s a monster where the clouds are dark, and the waves want to drown you.

Even though I hold some pain with what I went through, I wouldn’t change a thing. I am so happy I do not have a baby and I am not tied to that person. I was not ready to be responsible for another life. Nor was I prepared to go to court, and prove the abuse I had suffered through, or repeat the generational curse that has plagued the women in my life. I am so glad abortion was an available option for me. I will keep fighting for the women in the future to have any option they choose.