Today would be exactly six months from my abortion. Just a few days before my 22nd birthday. It’s hard to put into words what I’ve been feeling for the past six months but I thought this was a good way to try. I was seeing this guy for about 3 months and around the time I found out, my mom was in the hospital for a week. Having my mind on her and the stress of it all made me completely blind to what was going on with me until I finally realized. I remember having a terrible feeling in me, body intuition sort of. I remember I took three pregnancy tests and just crying my eyes out for hours. Everyone in this day and age always jokes about “surviving teenage pregnancy” or what not and you joke too thinking “that could never happen to me, I could never let that happen right now” but it does and suddenly I felt terrified and had this enormous pressure. What is hardest is that to this day, no one in my family knows, not even my mother. I was raised up with a close relationship with my mom but telling her that I knew could never happen, at least not now. I told two of my best friends and their moms and that was it. I still have never told the guy because I ultimately knew that I was just a hook up for him and after going back and forth so many times, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him, I mean this was not something that I was prepared for at all, I can barely take care of myself. Plus kids have never been an option for me, especially right now. I had an awesome small support system but I still felt so alone. I knew right away that I was not going to keep it no matter what but it still hurt me inside. The day I got the abortion was probably the toughest day of my entire life. The pain was something I don’t want to experience again.

 

After that, everything sort of seemed to go back to normal. I tried to pretty much just forget and move on but it was still on my mind. What made things worse was I would see the guy multiple times after the fact and it would just trigger me and suddenly I was reminded. Earlier in the summer I felt like every day I was “triggered” in some way. I was getting a little bit reckless, slacking off at my job, smoking and drinking a lot – putting vodka in my water bottles and drinking them during the day and at work. And I didn’t even care one bit. Thankfully one of my friends finally called me out and helped me with that struggle. So now I guess lately I just have been having all of these whirlwind of emotions surrounding it all. I feel like every time I watch a show, someone is going through an abortion or if it is being talked about in politics it just feels overwhelming and for some reason it will make me uncomfortable to the point I start crying. It’s just been hard to express how I feel which is what brought me here. I know I’m not alone and someone can relate to what I’m feeling. I do have a boyfriend now but even to this day I find myself in constant worry that it might happen again, no matter what precautions are used. Anyways, I know things are looking up, I’m focusing more on myself and things I want in life and I don’t regret my decision. I hope someone reading this can find some comfort in themselves too.

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