I Wasn’t Ready

by Anonymous

January 31, 2020

Growing up in a Catholic family I was always told it’s a sin and a murder. I’m not a child hater I love kids. Neither did I ever fall into the moral debate of whether it was right or wrong. I was told so and I grew up with that. I shifted to a new country and it had been just a month and a half for my marriage. I was looking for jobs and clearly never planned on having children. We decided it was later part of the marriage and we needed to be more settled finance wise and even know each other well. We used our app and pull out method but clearly that didn’t work. I now know I have to be wise rather than sorry.

When the tests came back positive my world crashed I never thought I was going to be among those who opt for this. It never seemed like something that I would be dealing with anytime soon. I just never felt elated or happy about it. After talking to family that I wasn’t ready that I didn’t feel right they tagged me a murderer. I didn’t know what to do and I’m a serious tokophobic. Having to go through with pregnancy meant lot of needle work and labour I wasn’t prepared to face it. I didn’t have a job, no friends in this new country. I just knew my husband who stood by me and supported me. Coming here felt isolated as it is and to top it I was pregnant and didn’t know what to make of it.

I was still going on just to avoid being tagged as a murderer but in my heart I knew I wasn’t ready and I sank into depression as days passed. Then with 5th week my nausea started and it was not just morning sickness I was sick and throwing up throughout. I barfed at the smell and sight of food and didn’t even manage to keep fluids down. I lost 9.5 kgs and I knew I was beneath my lowest point I could barely walk and became a dependent vegetable. My husband did all he could but when he left for work I was alone barfing and somehow managing to sit in the sofa and wonder why I had to go through this just went I never wanted to. Knowing that I fear needles I didn’t know if I could even get through the termination and I cancelled my appointment twice. I read lot of stories online to strengthen me cause I knew my nausea was so bad that I couldn’t go ahead with it anymore. My husband couldn’t eat in the house cause even the slightest smell and I would be puking in the toilet even the last of drop of liquid that I downed. It was a miserable and unexpected phase. I lost so much weight that I looked so skinny and tiny. None of the moral lecturers bore it or were there to support and help it was just me and my husband.

We knew we were not financially stable to support a child but we thought we could figure that out and I thought I would still face pregnancy with my tokophobia. I let the negatives I had sink to the bottom of my heart. But when nausea hit me so hard it was like I couldn’t go through with it anymore. It meant I would have IVs every 2, weeks just to sustain me through. I kept wondering why go through with this when I wasn’t even ready for it. Everything that’s happening is happening to my body and if I want it to be gone why was I a murderer? I booked the final time and this time I got out all the courage in me for my blood work, IV and the procedure. The procedure was quick and to be honest I don’t remember any of it. I just remember putting on the laughing gas and I thought I would freak out with the pain but I do not remember any of it. They let my husband in who held my hand to comfort me. After the procedure I was given some cookies and apple juice. In that moment I ate I did not barf and it felt like a miracle. I could eat and did not have to puke. Relieved I smiled and he smiled too in that moment we both felt a sense of relief. It felt like we were on a battle unarmed and returned wounded but still doing fine. I felt a sense of relief and I felt thankful for I had that one chance I needed to have my life back to normal. I was thankful for I could eat, sleep and walk. These are the things we take for granted but in that moment I knew I couldn’t do any of it for a month and suddenly I could do all of them and I felt happy.

To my unborn child I would like to say I did not hate you. We would never hate you. I just did not feel prepared and ready to accept you. I dread sex cause that’s how much I fear being pregnant again. But all I hope and wish for my unborn child is that you be born to a brave mother and that you get all the love that u deserve. You are worthy but maybe I was totally unprepared and unworthy to receive you. I believe that motherhood is sacred and not something to be forcefully done due to miscalculations. It involves lifelong sacrifices and one who signs up for it is well aware and very much ready to go through with it.


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