I Was Set Free

by Antoinette

July 6, 2020

I appreciate all the support I was able to find on this site. I am 32 years old and I raised straight Catholic with a very large family, this was a decision I NEVER thought I would make. Before, I never understood why women would choose to do this and I judged them for doing so. I called it selfish and I made up all these negative connotations associated with it. Then I found out I was pregnant by someone who was not a good person for me or our soon to be child. The moment I found out I felt like everything was over for me. I had dramatic dreams of dying and everything felt so wrong. The years him and I were together, the worse the relationship became between him and I, especially when I tried to leave the first time.

My boyfriend was abusive. Verbally and physically to me, all the women around him in his family (mom, sister, cousin, and friends) and even our dog at the time. We were together for almost 10 years and I thought this was ‘the one’. I gathered enough strength and I decided I was going to leave him. Then I found out I was carrying a life that I that I refused to bring into that situation. Whether we stayed together or not, knowing what was to come, I couldn’t continue. I talked to him/her everyday as I rubbed my stomach trying to send a little comfort. It is an indescribable feeling to have someone who controls everything you do and yet you haven’t met, let alone seen them. I had my period as normal the month before, but apparently that meant nothing at all since I was 7 weeks when I officially found out. I avoided going home to him. I drove around for an hour just crying and praying… I prayed to God for guidance, protection, and forgiveness constantly. I cried all the time and I felt so weary and so stressed out! I don’t think it was just hormones. But every where I turned there was a sign to let me know I would be okay. I had so many doubts, so many hang-ups and absolutely no family or friends to turn to.

I had God though.

I was 9 weeks when I had the procedure and that was a very comfortable and relaxing experience. I had no idea what to expect. Afterwards, I felt so relieved. So relieved that I relapsed….. I had already moved back home with my parents and he was trying his hardest to win me back. I thought things were going to be changed, like an idiot. But they did not. He was seeing another woman, a woman we both knew, for I don’t know how long. I caught her at his house the day before Thanksgiving! That was the end of anything that could have been mended. But I left with a parting gift, pregnant, again. I made the same decision and I still don’t regret it. Maybe if I had not had the first one, I would not have had to terminate the second pregnancy. But I think about the lives that were and I will always have them in my heart. I pray their spirits are safe and loved where ever they are.

I do understand that there is always a different way, also two sides, and most will say you cannot predict the future. But intuition let me know the truth. And the truth is, it would have been completely unfair to raise anyone in that type of environment. No matter how understanding and willing to compromise I am, the father would have continued to manipulate, to control and to abuse us. He wasn’t even supportive through the first time I was pregnant.  I have since then moved on – 7 months clean now – and no looking back! I have reconnected with my friends and family in so many ways that I never thought I would be able to do. I am sending strength and support to anyone who feels they don’t have a choice! You are in control of who you are and the decisions you, have to make, do what you think is best for you and your family. Much love and support!

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