For a long time I was “pro choice” but never thought that I personally would ever be able to have an abortion. Especially with my deep rooted ties to Christianity. I never had to put much thought into it beyond that until one black out drunk night I was left alone in a stranger’s house and two weeks later discovered I was pregnant.
I was in agony that I didn’t think was possible. Because I knew I didn’t want to have a child and I especially didn’t want to have a child under the circumstances.
I was desperate to get one as soon as possible but didn’t know where to start. I’m thankful that I had friends who did all the research for me and an appointment was set up. I was driven 3 hours to the only clinic in the state. I was told my blood pressure was too high for a medical abortion. I was apprehensive to have a surgical abortion and instead of being educated on the process when I expressed my concerns, I was just told again that it was my only option. I asked, “there’s nothing else we can do?” And before the doctor shut the door to the office on me he smugly said, “or you could be pregnant.” I heard him gossiping with the nurses about my lack of compliance. I was then approached by their counselor. She explained that they were just worried about my safety and recommended that I start taking my blood pressure medicine more consistently (because I hadn’t been) and to come back in two weeks. Two weeks felt like an eternity and I was devastated. I couldn’t touch my body or look in the mirror without breaking down. I didn’t want to be in my body anymore because it didn’t feel like it belonged to me anymore. After two weeks had passed, I went back to the clinic and was told that my blood pressure was still too high. I begged the doctor because I was so unsure about going the other route. I made a comment about understanding that he was “trying to cover his ass” which I sincerely didn’t mean as an insult, I was just trying to level with him so he’d talk to me like a real person. It did the opposite. Next thing I know I’m being pulled into another room by nurses. They cornered me and told me that I was disrespectful and had no idea what the job is like and that I had no right to be so rude and disruptive. After this I was completely broken down and I asked for the surgical abortion. He told me no, because at this point it would be coercion. I begged him because I wanted it to be over. I was then met by a staff member who told me that I needed to leave the premises. They kicked me out.
I found another clinic out of state who said they could take me in a couple of weeks but that their anesthesiologist only came on certain days. I ignorantly took that as I would have no pain management. However, I wanted to expedite the processes as much as possible so I agreed. I had reoccurring nightmares about it and how it would feel.
When I arrived I was cared for by a beautiful staff of women who did everything they could to let me know I was safe and seen. They explained in full detail and with great care exactly what was going to happen during the procedure. It wasn’t scary anymore.
I did cry one last time when I was in the procedure room. Only because so much had happened that I was still processing and how I had previously felt so hopeless. As soon as it was over, everything melted away. I didn’t feel the weight pressing on my shoulders, I didn’t feel the fist around my heart, and I didn’t feel the lump in my throat I had been carrying for weeks. I was unburdened from all of my anguish. I was freed.
