I was carrying something no one wanted. And I didn’t know what else to do with it.

by Savina

October 4, 2019

When I found out I was pregnant he was taking his wife to the hospital where he later found out she had a tumor in her uterus. I remember sending him a text of the pregnancy test and saying I’m pregnant. When we met up later that night I was kind of happy at first, I’ve never been pregnant before, it felt different and nice. He said that we need to get rid of it. He was afraid for his wife, he thought she might die, he was scared. Later on she had an operation got her entire uterus removed and she is ok till this day.

I was putting myself second, I was as his mistress, I come in second. I thought ok, I’ll do it. He can’t tell his wife who might be dying that he got his mistress pregnant and they’ll have a baby. I have to finish my studies at the faculty I can’t raise a baby on my own, nor will I force someone to do it if they don’t want to. He couldn’t take me to the hospital where he was taking his wife, he took me to another town. I felt absolutely nothing. I wasn’t scared, even though I didn’t know what to expect going to get an abortion in a small town I’ve never been to. I didn’t eat the whole day because I was vomiting constantly and was nauseous day and night, which contributed to my lethargy. I remember calming him down since he was feeling all the fear and anxiety instead of me. They were supposed to give me an anesthetic, but I felt everything for some reason, I was sweating so much and felt so cold. I even started losing consciousness, I was hearing everything and understood everything I was told, but everything turned black before me.

After the surgery was done I started feeling better a bit. The nurse was by my side all the time comforting me and holding a cold towel to my mouth and face. I started throwing up but there was nothing to throw up, but saliva since I didn’t eat anything. The pain was unbearable, I felt everything he was doing, I was so relieved when it was over. The nurse helped me put my clothes back on, she was really nice to me, I was so thankful to her. Since I was so weak they let me lay down in the bed till I felt better. She gave the prescription to him, I can’t call him boyfriend or anything but he was and is a big love of mine. When we were driving back, we had to take the ferry.

He went out for a cigarette, I was looking trough the window. I must have had a terrible facial expression all tortured and worn out from the previous unbearably painful  but thankfully short surgery. I noticed him staring at me and when I realised he was looking I just smiled, he hid away to cry when he saw me. He left me at home and went to get me a pizza since for the first time after a while I could eat. I was so hungry. The whole abortion I guess was more painful to him than it was to me. I healed quickly and went back to my studies, two weeks after.

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