I was 19, my boyfriend was 22, and I was on vacation when I found out I was pregnant.
I had just stopped my birth control pill due to side affects and missed my first period. I didn’t need to take a test I already knew I was pregnant. I did a ton of research and panicked seeing that some women get pregnant on the pill and don’t find out for a while. I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t say the words out loud and was scared to tell my boyfriend cause I felt like it was my fault and I was doing this to him. I suffered in silence in a whirlwind of depression and crippling anxiety. I felt alone because no one knew yet. I developed a somewhat relationship with my baby during this time as I felt like I wasn’t alone because we were in this together. The time finally came when I knew I couldn’t keep this from him anymore. I was around 16 weeks (I know I waited a long time, my mental health was very bad) when we took a test together. He held me while I sobbed and reassurred me everything would be okay and he knows it’s not my fault.
We both knew abortion was the only option. We had no money, no place to live together, and I was not ready to be a mother. We called planned parenthood and had to wait 2 weeks for an appointment. I felt so guilty and shameful because in my mind, my mental health prevented me from getting this done sooner. At my appointment I was almost 19 weeks. They referred me to my nearest women’s health hospital to get my procedure. That appointment was hard to get and almost a month away. This made me feel even guiltier and the depression and anxiety worsened. My boyfriend took care of me and everyday told me it would be okay.
Due to covid, I had to do all of this completely alone. This was a 2 day procedure. The first day I had laminaria inserted to open my cervix. That was one of the worst nights of my life. The pain I experienced was like no other. I got no sleep and my boyfriend stayed up playing music and holding me to comfort me. The next day the pain was making it difficult to walk, and I walked up to the surgical floor by myself. I sat in the waiting room terrified not knowing how everything would happen. I was taken to my bed and while I waited I said goodbye and I’m sorry to my baby. My doctors were amazing and took great care of me. I was sedated for my procedure and went home with my boyfriend a few hours after I woke up. I felt instant relief. I had developed a relationship with my baby and I did this out of pure love. I couldn’t provide a good life for you, I’m so sorry. But I believe I will see you again and you’re better off where you are now.
