I want to be available as the help I needed during this time for anyone else going through the same situation.

by Annika

June 26, 2021

I was 20 and completely drunk when my boyfriend of 3 months impregnated me while being too horny for taking the time to put on a condom. I thought about saying something at this point, but I was horny too and, as I mentioned, drunk, so my priorities were set by my libido instead of my brain.

I took a pregnancy test during the evening before I was going on vacation for 3 weeks with my hyper-protective parents. It instantly turned positive and I couldn’t resist an insane desperate laughter for like 5 constant minutes. I felt like I lost my mind, I was totally overwhelmed with my emotions.

I didn’t tell my parents to keep them from losing their mind too and all the worries about my well-being. I ended up using the vacation to wrap my head around it and decided to get an abortion because I didn’t see any other option – I was in my first year of university far away from home, my career was (and still is) the most important thing in my life, plus I didn’t feel like my relationship was lasting forever (true – we separated after 2 years). This child would have had a selfish career-oriented single mom with no financial resources and no family nearby for any support. This would have been a disaster for everyone involved.

Somehow I managed to stay at my parents’ with morning sickness and all the stuff while pretending everything was normal. I got the first pill on my mum’s birthday without her noticing my absence, and for the second one I told her to “visit friends” while I was in fact recovering on a picnic blanket in a forest. The pain was horrible but slowly began to ease by evening so I could return to my daily routine without my family realizing what had happened.

I could barely speak about my abortion for a long time without feeling deeply ashamed and getting tears in my eyes and still feeling overwhelmed about the significance of this decision. It would have been so helpful to speak with a person who also experienced an abortion to realize that this is nothing to be ashamed about and that you are able to mentally survive this experience. I am now 24 and just started to not abandon this subject when it comes up during conversations. It feels so good to normalize talking about it. I want to be available as the help I needed during this time for anyone else going through the same situation.

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