“I want it, I do not”

by Anonymous

May 18, 2020

When my boyfriend and I first got together, at least some time after we made it official, we talked about how we wouldn’t want to keep a baby if I got pregnant. I’ve always expressed with confidence, that I could and would get an abortion.

And then I was late, two weeks exactly. I had a feeling I was pregnant, I just knew I was. Immediately after the test came back positive I sent my boyfriend a photo and started looking up abortion clinics. I called right away to schedule an appointment and received one for one week later. I didn’t even let myself process the news. I felt like I jumped immediately because that was what’s expected of me.

The week leading up to my appointment I cried, I would watch a video that triggered me, or imagine what it’d look like and how my boyfriend and I could make it work. I felt so guilty and confused. I felt like I wanted to change my mind but couldn’t. But deep deep in my heart, I knew it was the right decision. I knew I did not want to keep it, I still have so much life to live I’m so young, my boyfriend and I aren’t fully stable, we’re in the middle of a PANDEMIC, all of these realities were visible to me.

When I got to the office I had conflicting feelings. I felt like walking out many many times. But I knew I had to stay. I cried a few times but took the pills and the process went smoothly.

The day it was over I woke up feeling an immense amount of relief. I don’t know if my hormones leveled out or if it was a sign I made the right decision, but there was a weight lifted off of my chest. I woke up with a lightness that I hadn’t felt for that entire week. It was still hard for me, I had two conflicting sides of me and it took me some time to adjust, but I do not regret my decision. I am grateful the service was available to me, especially during a pandemic.

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