When I was offered the test for T21, I naively said to the midwife, ‘sure I will take all the tests to be informed, but I would never end my pregnancy’.
My baby boy turned out to have T21 and I did end my pregnancy.
I was one of those people who thought I was pro choice but silently reserved a bit of judgement because ‘they might do that but I never would’. It was nice to be able to sit on my high horse and not know how painful it is to actually have to make that choice and end a pregnancy when the baby was so very wanted.
A counsellor told me that she viewed parents who ended pregnancies for medical reasons as valid as those who decided to continue. Both parents were making a decision as to what they thought was best for their child. For me I only understood that when I had to make the choice. When I understood that proceeding with having him, if he made it to term, was a gamble. A gamble with his quality of life, his medical need, his cognitive and communicative function. A gamble for my child who is alive, for my marriage and for my own mental health.
I had been made to feel selfish for thinking these things, mostly by my church. But something primal in me screamed I couldn’t continue and I didn’t know how I would be able to actually go through with the abortion but I did. I birthed him, I held him, I honoured him and we had a funeral. I miss him. I love him. He was so beautiful and no matter how painful it was and is, I can’t wish that it didn’t happen because then he wouldn’t be my son.
I am no different to any woman who has had an abortion and knows with her heart, mind and gut that it was the right thing for her and her unborn child. I was privileged to do so safely and I know it was the only choice I could personally make.
