Despite my firm and longterm pro-choice stance, I never thought it would be me having an abortion.

I had extremely severe nausea and vomiting (no, not the same as morning sickness) for the entirety of my first pregnancy– it was extremely challenging, but it brought me my daughter, and my husband and I deeply wanted one more child. We got pregnant with what would have been my second child, and I had an excellent care team, medications, a support system, and IV’s lined up to make it through. I was certain I could do it, and I had no one advising me against it. My pregnancy was planned and abortion was not something I had ever considered for myself.

I was so sick very early in my pregnancy. I was losing weight quickly, was often lightheaded, and it took all my strength just to drive to the hospital for an IV or to help my daughter pee.

My mental health was tanking, and I couldn’t take care of my living child let alone even watch tv in bed (too nauseating). It was solitary confinement in my own body while hearing my daughter cry for me. And even though I was on five anti-nausea medications, I was still weak and bedridden.

I couldn’t continue the pregnancy, and it was the right thing for me and my family– but that doesn’t mean that it’s been easy. It’s been terrible AND it was the right choice. My respect has grown for the people that make this responsible, life saving, but horrific and painful choice.

We are fierce and committed parents, helpers, and we are responsible people.

I am proud of myself for believing myself when I cried “I cannot do this,” in a way I’d never cried it before. For valuing myself as a person, not just a vessel, and for seeing the realities and risks that me, my husband and my living daughter faced if I continued my pregnancy.

I am lucky I had a choice in my state, and that I didn’t end up on a plane fainting and vomiting my way to a different and unknown clinic only to be ushered in by people shaming me out of making the most responsible decision of my life.

Or worse, dying…because like many illnesses that occur during pregnancy, people die from this one, too.

I believe deeply in a person’s right to choose abortion, but I never knew just how much deep emotional pain can go along with it. I never knew how much I would respect myself for what I choose ALONGSIDE wishing I could have kept going so badly.

For others going through it, thank you for being brave enough to make the same decision. I send my love.