I Smiled When the Test was Positive

by Michelle

June 30, 2021

I smiled when I saw that the test was positive. I always come back to this moment. There was something inside of me that hoped the test was going to be positive. I was 27 and living with my boyfriend. I had been promoted 5 months earlier to my dream job. I’ve always been a career woman but more than anything I have always wanted to be a mom. I called my boyfriend at work and told him I was pregnant. When he got home I could see it in his face right away. There was no smile. There had been no hope that the test was positive. I asked him if he was ready to be a father and he said no. We would have a baby when we were ready. I didn’t want to force him into a situation at the risk of damaging our relationship. It didn’t matter how much I wanted to be a Mom.

The next morning I found a clinic and called to book a surgical abortion. I spent 7 days telling myself that the appointment was booked and I couldn’t change my mind. We didn’t tell anyone and I kept telling myself it was just a medical procedure. On July 16th 2019, I had a surgical abortion at 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The staff at the clinic held my hand through this difficult morning. The counselor who helped to take my shame and guilt away. The nurse who kindly answered that my vaginal ultrasound looked normal because I just wanted to know. The nurse who held my hand and pet my forehead as I laid on the table and sobbed. The doctor who reassured me that I was doing well and it was almost over. When I got home I fell asleep for hours. When I woke up my boyfriend was at work and I found myself alone with my thoughts for the first time. I felt like a shell of myself and I couldn’t understand how the world could just keep spinning when I felt so sad. My boyfriend laid with me when I cried in the beginning but that quickly went away. It led to fights and arguments. I was mad at him for being so okay.

7 months to the day of my abortion my boyfriend broke up with me. He wasn’t happy anymore. I was struck with another overwhelming wave of loss. I moved out of our apartment. My breakup was a shock to everyone in my life that didn’t know I was suffering in silence. I broke down and told my family what had happened. My best friends were the first to tell me how strong I was for going through this all alone. I confided in a coworker who helped me take advantage of company resources to help find a therapist. I was beginning the process of getting back to feeling like myself again. I was beginning to be able to look at my abortion less with regret and more from what it taught me. How to focus on the people who want to be in your corner and who will unconditionally support you. I am proud that I was finally able to open up and to rid myself of the shame and guilt that was haunting me. I still struggle with whether my abortion was the right decision for ME. What I don’t regret is how this experience strengthened my relationships. It taught me that sometimes you need to put your own feelings first. It taught me that it’s okay to be vulnerable and to ask for help. I will always think of what this pregnancy could have become. But what I know now is that whenever my time does come I will be a stronger woman and a better mother for everything that my abortion taught me.

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