I put me first, it hurts, but I’m glad.

by Anonymous

September 21, 2022

About 3 weeks ago I made the decision to terminate my unborn child. I didn’t know I was pregnant till about 3 missed periods later and I took a pregnancy test. I was 4 months & 3 weeks. I was shocked to my core, I began to think I’m unmarried- which in the religion I practise in is a major thing. I am a 22 year old female Muslim girl and the worst thing i could dream of, happened to me. Yes I was conscious in the choices i made with my partner but I didn’t think this would happen. I called up the healthcare option available in my country and was able to secure a D&E appointment within a week.

I travelled to another city to have the procedure, I was alone and no one with me to hold my hand. 3 weeks later i have come to terms with my situation and post surgery I am more broken than I was before. I haven’t told anyone and will not be, but posting this is an outlet for me to express what I need to. I’m so heartbroken, I’m on the cusp of breaking down every morning if i feel the emptiness of my stomach. My little baby, I do and don’t regret my decision. I didn’t want the history of my family re-writing with me.

Every time I see my boyfriends eyes I begin to imagine what my baby could’ve looked like. But, everyday is a new one. I will be better and stronger within myself, I haven’t told him yet. Should I ? I don’t know, I’m still deciding. Whether or not I do, that will be my decision the same way I decided to go through with the surgery.

When I went under anaesthesia and I woke up after the surgery, I just bawled my eyes out. I hope I can one day forgive myself, it’s okay, I did what I had to. But for whoever is unsure of whether or not to, go ahead, do what is best for you and YOUR body. You are loved ❤️

I’ll be healing from this for the rest of my life wondering what he/she could’ve looked like but I did what was best for me, I will always choose me first. Not a chance of doubt in that❤️.

As soon as my procedure was done two days later I was back at work pretending as if a nearly 5 month old baby wasn’t removed from my womb, the crashing feeling of seeing the blood on my underwear each time I changed my pad. The clots I’d see over the next few days, the breakdown I had in the bathroom of my workplace, wiping my tears and returning to my desk conversing with my colleagues. The feeling of knowing I’ll never see my baby’s eyes, touching their skin, buying little outfits for them – these are the firsts I should’ve experienced but I knew deep down I couldn’t. There was no universe in which I’d have achieved this without judgement, being disowned, shunned- my baby’s would have been father’ family accepting my child in the circumstances. I’m a child myself, I don’t know myself yet. Selfish reasons but personally justified. I know I did this for me.

Im not okay, but I’ll BE okay.

I’m crying as I type this but I know the magnitude of the courage within me to tell my story. Thank you for reading x

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