I only regret it when I’m with him

by Samantha

March 16, 2021

Content Warning: mention of suicide, emotional abuse

I apologize this is long but I really needed to write this out so thank you for giving me the platform to do it.

We’d been trying for months even though we had only met 6 months ago. I’ve wanted another for awhile and he was onboard, even wanted it too, at least that’s what he said. In January we had our biggest fight yet. He broke 2 of my TV’s and work laptop and then attempted to kill himself when I ended it the next day. His suicide note to me was “F*** you, go to hell”. He found himself in a psychiatric hospital for a week to manage his emotions. When he got out he immediately came over with new TVs and we had sex. We both agreed though the relationship was toxic and we were better off separated. So we did for 2 days and then I found out I was pregnant. I found out the day I was heading out on a trip to Disneyworld. When I told him he did not believe me as my tests were faint. He said we weren’t good together and he wasn’t sure what we should do. I was devastated. Not sure if it was my hormones or just own mental issues but I struggled from this moment on. I wanted him to be happy and want me and raise this baby together. In anger before I left I told him I planned to have an abortion while I was out of town. I didn’t hear from him for 24 hours. With my 6 year old by my side, I tried to put on a happy face as we spent time in Florida. I finally reached out, had I not I don’t think I would have heard from him which hurts to think that he didn’t care if I had an abortion. I don’t remember what I said but probably something like “Are you just never going to talk to me again?”. My mind was not made up by any means on what I was going to do. I was confused about the way he was acting but it would all come to light soon. On what I thought was the final day of the trip, I told my mom who was supportive of my decision either way but I could tell she was concerned that keeping it wasn’t the best choice. I told her about the pill and that I planned to go that route when I got home. A huge winter storm hit Austin and we ended up getting stuck in Florida for a week. I felt like the world was trying to tell my something as silly as that sounds but after trying for months and this to be the one I conceived, I couldn’t help but feel this baby was “meant to be”.

While we were in Florida his ex and daughter were staying with him. I struggled with this a lot but tried to understand it was because they needed him and he swore nothing was happening with her. That week was so hard. He was back and forth with me and I couldn’t figure out why. He was argumentative, distant, and cold. This was not his normal behavior but he said the hospital had changed him so I tried to believe these were positive ways for him to react. One day he mentioned trying to make plans with friends, one female name and one male name. My mind immediately fixated on the female and I grilled him hard. He said she was just a friend so I tried to believe it but my gut was telling me otherwise. I asked if he’d been talking to other women and he said no. As crazy as I sound, I asked him to swear on that but he wouldn’t and said I was being toxic for asking that, which yes I agree it was toxic but he wasn’t swearing for a reason. He would text me that he loved me and wanted the baby and a whole life, only to not respond at all the next day. I was so confused and the abortion was back and forth day by day. We were finally able to book a flight home and as I got through security at the airport I asked again if he’d been doing anything with anyone, emotional or otherwise. He said yes and finally admitted to it. It was the female friend as I had suspected. I was livid. I was lied to and betrayed. His immediate response was asking if I was going to abort the baby because by this time, whether we were together or not, he made it clear he wanted it. We got into a huge fight. So there I was in the middle of an airport pregnant with my 6 year old completely devastated. I called my sister and decided to have the abortion as soon as I could. They were very busy due to the storm and I had to schedule for a week out. I wanted it immediately though in that moment. When I got back he told me he went on a date with this girl and they made out. I will always recall the moment on the phone he said, “I’m choosing her over you”. He had already told me in the past his thoughts of wanting to sleep with other women and with her he was going to be polyamorous. So it was solidified that I would have the abortion because I didn’t want to bring a baby into a broken home. Honestly, I don’t even remember what happened between this moment and where we ended up but he begged for me back at some point and I accepted it. Because I loved him.

People ask me a lot what I see in this guy. It’s hard for me to describe sometimes but in essence he makes me feel more comfortable when I’m with him then I ever have before. He always knows what to say to win me back because he knows what I want to hear. I can honestly say I’ve never felt so strongly for someone. He makes me laugh and in all senses just gets me. When we’re together and things are good, I have some of the best moments of my life, I feel bliss.

So anyway, I took him back and he said he would cut her out but had to do so gently because he was concerned for her mental health. I respected it but looking back it didn’t feel like he was choosing me at that point. I still felt like the leftovers or his second choice. We had a good day or two before things got bad again. I got upset one day about it all and was venting or trying to process it with him (in an upset manner) and he stormed out, saying it was bad for his mental state. When we worked it out later that night he told me he couldn’t lose me. He said he was crying at the thought. My response to him was saying that if that’s how you feel let’s commit to each other. His response was that it wasn’t that easy because he was afraid he would live with the regret of not sleeping around once he was older. He said he didn’t want to resent me later on. We went to bed angry that night. I still had the abortion planned and wasn’t sure what I was going to do.

The next day he said he had off. I sent him a few messages in the morning but didn’t hear from him all day. Around 3pm my gut was telling me something was off, so like the crazy pregnant lady I was, I went to drive by his house. On my way I saw him in the car with another woman and he saw me. We both stopped and I cursed him out because this was the girl, at least it looked JUST like her. I blocked him that night and felt the abortion was solidified in my mind. The next day, not that day btw because he was with her, he swore to me up and down it was someone else. To me though it didn’t matter, it was another woman that you spent the whole day with and didn’t tell me about (we were still together). The abortion consultation was the next day and he begged and pleaded for me to forgive him all of this and the day of.

The doctor asked me if I wanted to see the baby and I did. He couldn’t find it at first but when he did I saw the small circle on the screen. It was quick though and he said I was 5 weeks 5 days. I thought I was almost 7 so it was a little bit of a relief to me. In my mind, if I had it earlier it would be easier. In Texas, you can’t do it the same day so I had 24 hours to come back and take the first pill. He came over that night and told me everything I wanted to hear yet again. I was so confused. I’d never been so confused in my life. So the next day I went back, I sat in the waiting room for an hour and then in the back room for an hour. I heard the doctor give a surgical abortion in the room next to me. When he walked in I broke down. I was not expecting that at all. I’d been so strong up until that point. He said it was okay and happens all the time. We rescheduled for a week out to give me more time to think about it. I remember getting back in my friends car and bawling hysterically. I was so mad at myself. I called myself weak. I hated myself for not doing it because for me it was the right choice.

Him and I spent the weekend together after he found out I didn’t go through with it. I started to feel the excitement and happiness that we could make this work. I was drinking a lot of orange juice so we called it our juice baby and he would talk to it and kiss my belly. When Monday came though, his friend from the car needed him and he was there with her for hours. I could tell he was trying to be there for me and step up so I tried to be understanding. After a few hours I became upset though and messaged him to not worry about coming over. To show I was his priority he left but I warned him I was angry and it would not be a fun time. He still came and I was still upset. I really laid into him how I felt and all my anger. Why wouldn’t he be there for me? Why did he do the things he did? Why wasn’t I enough?

I apologized after but the damage had been done. He was hurt. He spiraled that day. There was nothing I could do or say to make him feel better. He hated himself. That night he relapsed and drank. He told me it was my fault which I was already heavily struggling with guilt after he tried to commit suicide. I thought long and hard that next day (the day before my rescheduled abortion). I decided ultimately I couldn’t bring a baby into this world with a father who was so emotionally unstable and unpredictable. For a little context, my daughter’s father passed last July as a result of drug and alcohol use. I didn’t want another child to go through what she did. I also needed him out of my life. I’d lost a lot weight very fast and was having panic attacks which I’d never had before. I actually called 911 one night because I thought I was dying. Him and I were terrible together and I felt separating was best. I vowed that if I had this abortion I would never go back again. That was the whole point for me, if we stayed together it would all be for nothing. My mind was made up, he showed up the night before and said his usual speech about how he needed one more chance. I told him it was too late.

The next day I went through with it. There was less wait time and I was in a different room. The doctor came in and I quickly swallowed the first pill. I felt no sadness or regret, nothing like how people explained to me it would be. He knew I’d taken it by my unresponsive nature that day. He wanted to know if we were done. I was waiting until his parents came into town to break the news that this was over. I hoped they would help him if he was emotionally distraught. I told him that it was over.

The day I was going to take the other pills was Friday. I hadn’t heard from him and I again got that gut feeling. I was afraid he had harmed himself. I drove by his work and his car wasn’t there. I called and called but no answer. I finally messaged his mom who said he had gone to work that morning. I knew he had lied. He finally responded saying he didn’t want to talk to me and was mad. He was allowed to be. I asked where he had been that morning though and he said with the girl from the car. The same one he had gone to help. I was convinced something was going on between them even though he swore nothing was happening. Am I naive to believe him? Maybe he’s just a great liar. I freaked out though. On the day I was going to have an abortion. I felt so betrayed. Was I allowed to though? I’d broken it off and gone through with it. I guess because he continued to message me saying how much he loved me the night before and still wanted me even though I had done it was sending me mixed signals. He came over and I yelled. I thanked him for making this decision easier for me, for solidifying it again. He apologized and said he didn’t realize how the pills worked. I broke down and asked him to be there for me that night while I passed the baby but he had his daughter and couldn’t.

I remember I was so scared to take those second pills. I took a klonopin so I wouldn’t have a panic attack and the anti nausea pills along with the strong ibuprofen. Within 2 hours of the pills I was asleep. I slept for 16 hours only waking up to take more meds during my scheduled times and use the bathroom. The blood was heavy but not like I thought it would be. I was really surprised at how little pain I felt. This was just my experience though. I’d read the stories of other women online who had a much tougher time. Everyone’s body is different.

After it happened I didn’t speak to him much but he asked for a login to one of my streaming platforms which caused an argument because he’d been watching a show on there with that girl. That night I will never forget because he said the cruelest thing to me. He said I murdered our baby. I blocked him.

Up to that point I hadn’t felt any emotion about the abortion. I was completely fine to where I thought something was wrong with me. I felt relief. That this was truly the right choice. I wasn’t ready for another child and I was excited to be single and try to find myself again.

We went two days! Monday was a rough day at work and I decided to have a few drinks with a friend. By 2am, I was sick in bed and I wanted him there to comfort me. So I unblocked him and called 10 times until he answered and told him I needed him. He said that he was on his way. He’s always said he would be there if I ever needed him and he was. Since then, we’ve decided to try to work things out. The thing is though, I feel the regret now when I’m with him. It’s just like I thought I feel it was for nothing. I miss my juice baby and I’ve been struggling with acceptance. I just repeat that I want it back over and over again. Why did I do this if we were going to stay together? I try to tell myself it was still the right choice but it’s hard. I say we needed time to build a foundation because so much was going on at that time. In the back of my mind though, I know we (at least I) would have figured out a way to make it work.

I see a therapist once a week who is helping me work through these issues. In the meantime, I don’t have the blessing or support of anyone in my life to be with him. I love him. I know people make mistakes and he is trying to do better. I told him we should give this a month and really see if we can make it work or if it’ll be too much. I know I have so much anger right now that I’m trying to process for the way things happened. He never thought I’d go through with the abortion so he said he thought he could treat me however he wanted. At least he’s honest.

Thank you again for allowing me to tell my story. I’m hopeful this will help my healing process.


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