I now look at my body and I’m proud of it for getting through something so painful

by Lena

October 31, 2022

I knew right away I wanted an abortion. I was 33 when I found myself staring at the two lines on the pregnancy test. This was a mistake, a big one. My cycle is pretty irregular, I knew it. And I had miscalculated my most fertile days, by only a couple of days. And I guess a part of me somehow thought that with my cycle all over the place there’d be no way I’d ever even get pregnant.

There was nothing to think about. No difficulty making a decision. The positive result didn’t magically change my mind. I’ve never wanted kids, I still didn’t. Already the next day I called the doctor’s office to get the process started.

The two weeks I ended up waiting for the doctor’s appointments and getting the pills were the longest of my life. Not only was I scared, anxious, constantly crying and desperately searching the internet for every bit of information, I also had a really tough time trying to deal with the physical symptoms and the effect all of it had on my self- and body image. With the bloating and nausea getting worse by the day I felt disgusted with my body. I hated it, I hated looking at myself in the mirror. My body didn’t even feel like my own anymore. It felt like I had to walk around with a ticking time bomb in me. The feeling of having something that I didn’t want growing inside of me was unbearable.

The bleeding and cramping started 2 hours after I had inserted the 4 pills of misoprostol. This was at around 1.30pm. It was the most intense pain I’ve ever felt. I took the pain medicine I’d gotten but felt sick right away and threw it all up. So I took some more but it didn’t really help. For the next 7 hours the pain was unbearable and pretty much non stop. There were only short breaks every now and then between the contractions. I was physically and mentally completely exhausted, crying and just praying for it to stop soon.

As for the bleeding, it was way more than any period bleeding, but still, I was prepared for a lot worse. Every time I felt the blood starting to gush out I went to the bathroom and just sat there for a while. I wanted to try to push as much blood out as I could. There were some bigger clots but nothing too bad. I did see something I think was the embryo. It was a white, round, fluid filled sac. About the size of a finger tip. I think I was only around 5-6 weeks along, at the most, so there wasn’t really anything recognizable yet.

At around 8.30pm the cramps and the bleeding finally started to ease up and I managed to get up and finally eat something. I was able to fall asleep quite easily and slept for 10-11 hours.  I did get up once or twice to check the bleeding but I hadn’t really bled at all. It continued more heavily when I got up and started moving again the next day. That day I had only some period like cramps but otherwise I was completely fine.

It’s now 3 days since the abortion. The bleeding is light to medium and I’m feeling fine. I do feel a bit insecure having to use pads since I otherwise only use tampons. But I’ll just take it one day at a time. I guess it won’t be forever.

I have no regrets. I wasn’t left wondering ‘what if’. I only feel relief. Like I’m myself again. I’m still a bit bloated and my boobs are sore but I’m slowly getting my body back. In a way I feel empowered and strong. I now look at my body and I’m proud of it for getting through something so painful.

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