I never thought I’d have one; I’m about to have my third.

by K

January 6, 2020

I never thought I’d have one, I’m about to have my third.

I got my very first positive pregnancy test nearly four years ago at age 22 (in Feb 2016). It was with the same man I am with still to this day. However, that first missed period came just after only knowing each other for under two months. It was scary to know that my body was quickly creating something that required me to take action, but take action I did. He and I both agreed from the get-go that it was way too early in the relationship to become parents together, and that abortion was the smartest choice for us all. I took three days off of work, just because I wasn’t sure how I would feel after the procedure (mentally or physically), and I’m glad I did.

I was in the clinic for about three hours, the actual procedure only taking less than 10. The ultrasound tech said I was at 11 weeks and 7 days. I was under some sort of “twilight drug” they call it, which makes it hard to remember details of what’s happening whilst under the influence of. I recall the procedure being extremely painful, but all of the staff were SO sweet, understanding and helpful. Mentally, I felt comfortable. Afterwards, I felt so empowered! I made that decision for myself, and it felt so monumental. I decided to keep the ultrasound picture to help myself to remember how brave I was, and to keep a little piece of the “what if” with me.

Fast forward a bit, it’s now Nov 2018 and I found out the day before my sister’s birthday that I am pregnant…again. My man and I had been living in a house that we bought together the year prior, and we both had good jobs. Logically, we were much more well off to care for a baby than we were the first time. However, he still did not want to be a father yet. I was torn. While I didn’t regret my first one, and I also didn’t feel ready for a child yet, I hated the idea of claiming that I’d have had two abortions. After much soul searching and reading TONS of articles online of empowering abortion stories, I realized that the only reason I was reluctant was because of the stigmas society has set on abortion. And since when did I ever give a f*** about what society thought?! At 12 weeks 4 days, I had another surgical abortion. It didn’t feel as painful as the first time, and again I kept the ultrasound picture as a way to remember to always honour my ability to make the best decisions I can for myself.

It is now Dec 2019, just a few short weeks away from the new year and my four year anniversary with my guy. Just two weeks ago I noticed my period was late. I took a test to clear my mind, and was shocked to see that I was pregnant…again. This time, I felt elated after the reality set in that my body was creating a mini-us. I thought for sure that my man would be excited and that we would finally be able to start our family. I told a handful of my closest friends, and even a couple random people too. It felt like I was finally going to be a mother. However, my man is still not ready to start our family. He was terrified to hear that I was thinking about keeping it. I’ve gone back and forth, weighing my options heavily.

I realized after TONS of soul searching that I am actually excited about being pregnant because that’s how my friends think I should feel. It felt good telling them about names I’ve put together, seeing them smile and snicker when I choose ginger ale over a beer at dinner. It is just so much easier because they all already have kids and have never had abortions. Though they know of my past, they were convinced I’d “never do it again.” Well, here I am, and I’m about to do it again. In the times before, only my man and I knew of my decision before I had the procedure. I didn’t tell anyone else until I felt emotionally ready to talk about it. This time, I have already told people that I am pregnant and they will now either support my decision or they won’t.

This time is different, because I have chosen not to hide the actuality of what is going on in my body. I do not feel ashamed to admit that I am pregnant. I do not feel ashamed to say that I am going to have an abortion. Part of me worries whether or not they will think of me differently for it, and quite frankly that anxiety was what was keeping me from realizing that I was letting myself be blinded by them. But their opinions are not mine to harbor. I give myself the freedom to choose abortion and to always do what is best for me. I have an appointment scheduled a week from today, and while I still let myself wonder what it would be like to continue the pregnancy, I remind myself that there is still time for me to have a child in the future. This is the definition of family planning.

My man and I have a beautiful relationship that I see continuing on for many, many years ahead. This year just isn’t the one for starting our parenting chapter. It is still strange to me that I will soon be able to say I’ve had three abortions, but in the sense that I feel more and more drawn to speak up about them instead of keeping my choice a secret.

I am SO happy that I found this website at this time in my life. Sharing my story on a public platform feels like I am owning these choices I’ve made so much more confidently, and my goodness does it feel damn good!!! I hope that adding my voice will help others feel confident in having an abortion (or multiple) as I have.

Something that I would like to share with you who is reading this: This choice is yours to make and yours only. YOU know what is best for YOU, no one else! There is no wrong decision, only the right one. For you. Know that there are so many others who know exactly what it feels like to be faced with an unexpected pregnancy and who have chosen to have an abortion. You are not alone. It is another experience, another stepping stone in your life story. You can feel however you want about it. You can be elated, angry, guilty, happy, relieved, all of the above. You might feel completely different about it than your friend who had one, and that is normal. Abortion is normal. It is normal to make decisions for your body, health and wellbeing.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!