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I never thought I’d be writing this

by Anonymous

March 13, 2019

No woman ever dreams of having an abortion. It’s something that some don’t even have an opinion about until they’re faced with that decision.

I was one of these women.

 

When I was 16 years old I battled anorexia. I became extremely OCD and used my time over exercising, straightening my hair, and counting calories. I started high school weighing 102 pounds and ended high school weighing 78 pounds.

 

For years my period stopped. For years I was okay with that. I never thought about a future so I didn’t care if my woman parts weren’t working properly. Plus, not having a period was nice. It showed I wasn’t healthy. It showed I still had an eating disorder. It showed that I was in control of something.

 

10 years later and a few failed relationships later, I met someone. Someone amazing. Someone so amazing that we each knew after the first date that we were marrying each other.

For the first time in my life I met someone I loved. Someone who so deeply cared about me and always promised to protect me and keep me safe. Someone who loved me for everything I am, eating disorder, anxiety, depression, and all.

 

Michael is, without a doubt, the best person I’ve ever met in my life. Everyday he encourages me to be a better person. He supports me good day or bad and continuously finds ways to look at silver linings in all situations.

 

Almost two years into the relationship, countless talks about our future, and we were suddenly met with a tough predicament.

 

I was pregnant.

Somehow along the way of my battle with anorexia I convinced myself that I wasn’t ever going to be able to have kids. How can someone get pregnant when you suffer with super irregular periods? How can you go months without a regular cycle and get pregnant? How can you get pregnant while STILL being categorized as underweight? Well, that’s what happened to me.

 

I always thought Michael would know I’m pregnant before I do. He’s always had a sixth sense about me. He knows me better than I know myself, after all.

 

It was December 2018. I was suddenly extremely nauseous and dizzy. This wasn’t completely out of the norm, as I suffer with vertigo and am continually dizzy. Soon enough my breasts were also tender. Foods I used to enjoy no longer sounded good to me (I’m looking at you, Tim Horton’s iced capps.) I knew something was up. I had the feeling.

 

Michael was convinced I wasn’t pregnant, but I knew I was. I guess mother’s have a sixth sense about that sort of thing. We used six pregnancy tests and all came out negative. So much for 99% accurate, right?

 

After about a week of worrying I finally went to a minute clinic for a pregnancy test. Turns out I was pregnant. The nurse who helped me seemed so happy for me and instead I was left scared and confused. While the nurse was filling me on in prenatal vitamins, I was thinking about what I was going to do. Luckily Michael came with me to my appointment and I knew he had my back no matter what.

 

Getting an abortion was an easy choice for us. It’s not a choice we ever thought we’d have to make, but we knew deep in our hearts that it was the right choice for us. We were still living at his parent’s house to save for our own house. We weren’t engaged yet, even though we talked about it all the time. As for our jobs — we weren’t where we wanted to be yet. Bringing a baby into the situation just made it seem like we would never be able to give them the life they deserved. As least right now. We didn’t think my body would be able to handle a pregnancy right now, so adoption was also out of the question.

 

Thankfully there was a family planning/abortion clinic in the same town as us. I felt comfortable knowing I wouldn’t have to travel far for the procedure. Everyone I spoke to at the office was so kind and compassionate. Always. I found that extremely amazing, given the circumstances.

My first ultrasound at the clinic was a week after I found out I was pregnant. I wish you could’ve seen the look on my face when I found out I was seven weeks along. SEVEN WEEKS. Yet no positive pregnancy test. WEIRD. Turns out irregular periods really mess things up and that’s why I never got a positive reading at the time.

I scheduled my surgical abortion for a few days later. I tried not to think about the process, or about what I was doing. I never wanted to make a choice like this again. But I knew deep in my heart it simply wasn’t the right time.

 

Michael, god bless his heart, was my rock during this tough time. He helped buy me pads, a heating pad, my favorite foods and drinks. He was there for all my sleepless nights, never letting go of me. Never once did he make me feel bad about my choice. Never once did he make me feel alone. Like always, he held my hand, kissed my forehead, and reminded me that we’re in this together. That we’re a team, for always.

 

Leading up to my surgery, I wasn’t nervous. I was anxious. I was confident. I wanted to get it over with.

The kind workers and nurses at the clinic really made me feel at home. A nurse named Sara took my blood pressure and checked my blood (turns out I have a very rare blood type. This may have impacted my pregnancy greatly.) She made small talk with me and asked me about my life and work. I was ecstatic when I found out she would be comforting me during my surgery as well. My counselor never judged me or hesitated when I asked questions either. I knew I came to the right place.

 

After going back and forth filling out paperwork, watching the waiting room diminish with people, I knew my time was coming. My boyfriend was nervous, I could tell. All I could manage was to snuggle up next to him to listen to his heartbeat. We watched HGTV on the screen, both knowing we wanted this day to end.

Finally, my name was called. Showtime. I kissed Michael goodbye and heading to the room with Sara. She introduced me to my doctor (thank goodness she was a female!) While my IV for sedation was being prepped, Sara took my mind off things by letting me know that she saw Michael and I together in the waiting room. She mentioned how happy she was that I have someone so supportive in my life, especially in a time like this. I smiled. I cried happy tears. I fell asleep.

 

The whole procedure didn’t take long at all (probably a few minutes) and suddenly I was walking to the recovery room filled with fancy recliners, warm blankets, and an endless supply of saltine crackers. I was asked about my pain level (A two. Maybe) and if I was bleeding (just some spotting.)

 

Overall I felt really, really good. For the first time in weeks I felt comfortable, relaxed, and like myself. I didn’t have nausea. Cramping wasn’t unbearable. I was me again. Michael took me hope shortly after and we indulged in our favorite kind of ice cream. My heating pad was my best friend for that first night.

 

To anyone reading this, I pray you have the best support system you can. I hope you find peace in your decision. I hope you find true love one day. If you have to choose between medical or surgical abortion, go with the surgery. I had moderate IV sedation and I didn’t feel a thing. Right now wasn’t the time for me to have a baby, but I know my time will come. Just like your time will come in your journey.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!