I learned you could handle this by yourself

by A.

April 17, 2019

My husband ran off with a woman I describe as a floozy. He left me with an unreal pile of responsibilities, including my two sons and our two sons.

Then he came back for his two sons.

I was bereft.

I went out and accidentally unintentionally got myself pregnant with a guy I didn’t know, who had a situation I did not feel I could hand over a child into. You can doubtless read between the lines as to how emotions overtook rationality…

I had not figured out how I would support myself and my sons, let alone a fifth child.

I knew nothing of the struggle for Roe versus Wade, but was so relieved to find that abortions were available and not too far away.

I got in touch with the being who had intended to pick up that little body. It was my daughter. I know what she would have looked like and I know her nature. During the weeks I had to wait to prove that I was really pregnant we had many conversations. She was the only one I talked to about that; otherwise I was totally alone and unsupported… Until I met the doctor and his attendant nurse. They were so kind and sympathetic! I never would have expected that!

I was of so many minds about this event, of course I punished myself by getting an infection.

After all was past and done, I told the doctor about my regrets. He took my hand and looked me in the eyes and told me, Someday you may meet her, and you could tell her, and I’m sure she would understand.

Some years later I got pregnant again with my irresponsible boyfriend. I will not say any more about that abortion.

I was pregnant another time with that same guy. This was a bummer as our relationship was just about to end. I could tell I was pregnant, after a while you get the hang of it. I went up to my room and sat there. I said into the void I don’t know what this is all about, but if my period doesn’t show up tomorrow morning I’m going to do something radical!

It showed up. I could tell it was a miscarriage and not my period because there was a strong sense of body loss about it.

After all that was passed and done, I went back up to my room and sat on my bed and said Okay, now what was that about??

I got Jim’s face.

This is a man who had been madly in love with me but whose affections I had rejected. He had died by accident earlier in the year.  He would have made a perfect brother for my next older son, they were both very much in love with airplanes, but that pregnancy was not well seated, and my body which usually enjoys being pregnant was resisting.

He apologized! I hope he found a suitable body somewhere else.


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