One thing that I learned through this process is that I was strong.
2020 has been tough for everyone but 2 short weeks ago it got even harder.
My husband and I found out we were pregnant. We have always had the mind set that we did not want children. It has been a hard thing to stay certain on especially with family and friends who push their opinions on you. The worst one I’ve gotten was “you’re a woman, that is what you’re made to do”. Those individuals do not understand how hurtful their words are. On top of not wanting children, I as a career driven woman struggle with strong GAD and panic disorder. So when I found out I was pregnant it was non-stop panic attacks. If you also struggle with this, girl do not forget you are STRONG. We ultimately decided it was best for my mental well being and health not to move forward with the pregnancy. The next step was to figure out what our options were. During COVID-19 much of the options to talk to a doctor we’re limited especially over telehealth. I was turned away. This was hard to hear but I soon contacted our local planned parenthood clinic and they were able to get me an appointment that same day.
It was 1pm and I pulled up to the clinic. I had several panic attacks prior to this that are triggered by fear of the unknown (thank you anxiety). I walked in and got checked in and it felt like forever before the lady at the front desk said to take the elevator to the second floor. Not knowing what to expect, my heart was racing. I waited patiently for what felt like forever and they finally called my name.
I walked through the door and followed the nurse to an area where she checked my vitals. My blood pressure was high but that was to be expected with how I was reacting internally. The nurse then took me to a room and did an internal ultra sound. I asked not to see the results but to just know everything was normal. The nurse confirmed I was a little over 5 weeks along. I didn’t feel anything emotionally after hearing that. The nurse asked me to get dressed and then I went to speak with another nurse about options.
I open the door and walk into another room and sit down. This nurse reviews my options with me and asks what I would prefer as my option. I stated the medical pill. The next step was to schedule the follow up appointments. My second appointment was a week later. I live in a state that has a 24 hour rule and that was the next available appointment. I knew this would be a hard week because I had already dealt with so much anxiety up to this point on top of the hormones. I had to then get my blood work taken and my finger pricked to check what blood type I was and if I was anemic.
Finally, I went into a room with the doctor and she was so compassionate and kind that I felt understood.
I left the clinic and waited the week before my next appointment.
The day came and it felt like the longest day ever. Full of emotion and tears. Not tears that should worry you, just tears of the unknown. My husband drove me to the clinic and assured me that it was going to be okay for like the millionth time. He is a wonderful man ladies. This was super hard for him too, but he stayed so strong for me. He is my rock and understands how bad my mental state can get. Thank goodness for him.
I open the car door and my husband once again says I love you so much. He’s not allowed in because of good ole corona. So I felt alone, but ladies the women at these clinics are unknown super heroes. They have no judgement and show compassion every step of the way. I felt like I was around people I knew my entire life with how caring they are.
I take the elevator to the second floor and wait my turn. I see several other girls and just wish to myself that I could give them a hug. I knew that’s all I wanted when I was there for my first appointment. The nurse calls my name and I go in another set of doors. She sits me in a small room and takes my vitals. My blood pressure was a lot more normal than before. The nurse smiled and said I’m doing great. She then reviews what’s going to happen and what I can expect. Of course if you have anxiety like me then you may have already tried to google everything under the sun to try and get a semblance of control. Girl let me tell you… please don’t do that. If you google enough, you will find bad things to cling on to. This will NOT help.
The nurse gives me an anti-nausea pill that dissolved on my tongue and said the doctor will be right with you.
The same doctor from before comes in and is still so sweet and talks to me for like 20 minutes about my fears, research and what to actually expect. This helped a lot. She said are you ready for the first pill? I said yes. She handed me the and I took a look at it and then took it. I sat there for another 15 minutes and talked to her more. She is a wonderful person along with all the great nurses.
After taking the first pill, I didn’t feel anything symptom wise. I actually got my appetite back and wanted some food. This was normal for me when going through anxiety. I got home and was really tired due to not sleeping much the few days before, so I took a nap. I woke up from the nap and this is when I cried. I cried because I felt an overwhelming sense of relief amongst the decrease of hormones from the first pill. Next step was 24 hours before the second round of medicine. Sigh this was rough. Thanks again anxiety.
2pm the following day arrived. I took the ibuprofen that was prescribed and waited 30 mins. I then put the 4 pills in my mouth. They have to dissolve in between your cheeks before you can swallow. The taste wasn’t horrible but not great either. Now it was time to wait. I put on Disney movies and had a soothing candle, my husband right near by and my heating pad. I also found it helpful to write my feelings down on paper and get closure.
I felt normal cramping after about an hour. Then went to the bathroom and saw I started to bleed. A few hours go by and the pain medication really helped. It wasn’t much worse than my normal periods. I was expecting 100% horrible pain, nausea and vomiting thanks to google. These are possible definitely but everyone is different with how they react to the medicine. I passed several large clots like the doctor said I would and continued to keep heat on with my medicine. The next day I felt more normal like my hormones were 95% better. So was my anxiety. I ultimately passed one clot at the end that wasn’t the same as the others. I knew then it was over.
Ladies, please know that you’re not alone. One thing that I learned through this process is that I was strong. It’s not easy by any means to be faced with a decision such as this as well as going through it. I send all of you a hug and want you to know that you will get through this. Please don’t let others make you feel a certain way. You know in your heart what is right and when something is right. Make sure you have someone to support you and always remember to have self love.
Spread kindness and hope to another women like us.
