There will come a time where I want to give my body/life to another being but right now I am being selfish.
Alrighty.. where do I start?
Summer 2018, 3 months into a brand new relationship I found out I was pregnant. Still in college, just turned 21 and my parents hated my partner. Not to mention him and I were broke and slept on an air mattress. That was the worst abortion I experienced because my father really coerced me to make a decision. The decision was not my own and it really affected the relationship between my partner and I. After this we broke up and that decision was fueled solely by the emotional trauma I experienced throughout this whole situation. Mainly family influences.
Fast forward to January 2020 I had been dating a (new) man for about 6 months. I’m still in college and although he had two bachelor degrees and two master degrees already he still wanted to go back to school. This relationship was TOXIC on both parts. On my part I was looking for someone with more financial substance than my last partner, I didn’t care about appearance or personality. (Super immature, I know) after a while I started to not like my partner. He wasn’t appealing to me, his overall personality sucked, and he was very very VERY insecure. Constantly questioning me about past relationships and such. When I found out I was pregnant he almost fainted. For a little bit I did want the baby. In my head our situation was ideal. He had a nice place where I stayed most of the time and he was making decent money as was I.. but my world came crumbling down when he didn’t want the child. So we got an abortion. My second. Looking back I DEFINITELY do not regret this decision at all. He’s a very ugly man inside and out.
September 2020. Remember my partner in 2018? Yeah we’re back together. Quarantining and having fun with all the free time COVID has granted. My period was 2 days late and I just knew. This decision wasn’t a hard one for us since we knew that we were too young and didn’t want to have kids right now. The only thing is I didn’t want to get on birth control after my abortion. Fast forward to now.. April 2021 and my appointment is today. I got pregnant again for the fourth time and I desperately wanted to keep it. After weighing out pros and cons my partner and I realized that it isn’t the time for us.
At this time I have mixed feelings. I am blessed to have the opportunity to make a decision but I am also saddened by the fact that I’m giving up this gift. Doctors tell me all the time that I am really fertile and that the pill (which I’ve received for all abortions) doesn’t affect fertility so I do know there’s a good chance of me having children in the future. My thoughts and feelings about childbirth has changed tremendously. Right now I feel like my body is not my own, my life is not my own, my journey is not my own and I don’t know how I feel about being that selfless. There will come a time where I want to give my body/life to another being but right now I am being selfish. I am mainly writing this post to let you all know that your body is really your choice. I am a strong believer that no man can judge but God, and I will have to take it up with him in the end. Good luck to everyone who is having trouble making a decision. Go with your gut and really weigh out all your options. See if this is the best decision for you.
Signed a confused 23 year old who doesn’t even know how to decide on what appetizer she wants at a restaurant let alone deciding how and when to raise a child.
