I haven’t done it yet.
I walked out once and sat in my car crying instead of going into the rescheduled appointment. All I know is that I’m scared. I’m scared of the regret. I’m surprised at how everyone else seemed to think this is the best choice for me, even though they are “pro-life”. It makes me feel like a shitty mom. Am I really that incapable? No, my son is thriving in life… even with a half ass dad. But what would I do with another? I was going to be done with the guy… done forever. He relapsed and I couldn’t take another lie. But then two lines appeared and now I’m fucked.
What else can I do? I can try harder, but I’m so tired. I know myself and I will be tired as hell… I know myself and I won’t let that baby go to adoptive parents. I know myself… I’m a little bit lazy and I’m on meds that make me feel sleepy. Plus they could have even hurt the embryo.
I am a vegetarian. I always try to be vegan, but I just like convenience. I am a little bit less than I’d like to be. I would have liked to work on me, not a new person simultaneously. I’m not ready. I’m not going to be ready… for either choice.
I have always been an optimist and an idealist. Using positivity and making the best of things is a coping skill that I learned in childhood to survive the chaos of a dysfunctional family, but this shit is hard as f***. Yeah I’m strong but why should I have to constantly struggle? Why can’t I just have it easy (easier, at least) for once? I just did this shit for nine years and I have to do it again, just to make sure I don’t live a life regretting it…
I tried to reason with myself. I did some heart breathing thing Tony Robbins invented…to ask my heart. My heart said to have an abortion. How could my heart say that??? It seems so counterintuitive.
I never thought killing could be compassionate, but maybe it is. Maybe if I was that baby, I’d want to go back to source and start all over and get a better choice. With a real shot… or maybe all I would want and need is a little love and to know my mom gave me life.
My 3rd rescheduled appointment is this Saturday. I have tomorrow to think… but I’m all thought out.
I wish I had endless resources and endless optimism, energy and bags of money… then I’d keep you, kid. I just hope either way, you’ll forgive me for failing you as a mom, but I promise I’ll do what I have to and I’ll do what I can. Your dad fuckin’ sucks & it’s not your fault… I’m sorry. I love you…
