I had to put myself first

by Anonymous

June 22, 2022

I am a mother and made the decision to have a medical abortion at 9 weeks. My spouse had just gotten back after being gone for work for an extended period of time, and we were not actively trying to get pregnant. In fact, we’re fairly positive that we are one and done. We spent a long time trying to conceive our child, which was exhausting and then I had a miserable pregnancy, a traumatizing birth, and suffered with PPA/PPD on top of pre diagnosed GAD and depression. To say that I wasn’t in the best place mentally is an understatement. I found out I was pregnant after taking a pregnancy test in the grocery store bathroom, and I cried. Not tears of joy. I went home and unenthusiastically told my husband I was pregnant. I thought that if we shared with our loved ones I would become more excited, but I couldn’t even bring myself to make the excited Facebook post. We told immediate family and only our closest friends, but held off on sharing with anyone else. The excitement never set in, but the depression and denial hit hard. I put off getting the blood work done at the clinic for two weeks, and when I finally went to go….I sat in the parking lot for two hours and cried, hoping that they’d tell me that I was no longer pregnant. I have never hated myself so much for a thought before, because at one time I was begging to be pregnant while watching what seemed like everyone else get what I wanted. It was in that moment that I knew I couldn’t continue the pregnancy. I’ve never put it into words, but I knew if I continued the pregnancy the chances of me being here today were slim. I was not in the mental capacity to take on any more. I feel guilt for having the thoughts I had, but not a single one for my abortion. I had to be selfish for myself so that I could still be here today, being the best mom to my child and working towards being the best version of myself.

I’ll never be able to tell my truth un-anonymously, I’ll never be able to tell my family my decision because they’d never understand. I’m so lucky to have a spouse who stood behind my decision and the few friends that I have been able to confide in. I hate that I feel shame for a decision I made that probably saved my life.

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