I had to choose to take care of myself

by Anonymous

March 29, 2022

We didn’t decide we would have children until our late 30s, and at that point we said “one and done”. I had an incredibly difficult time with breastfeeding (not enough breast tissue to make even close to enough milk) which sent me into a deep dark place. I would often think that my daughter and husband would be better off without me. I wasn’t honest with my OB or her pediatrician about any of this because I couldn’t deal with needing to “fix or deal” with something else wrong with myself, so I suffered in silence. I didn’t get start therapy until just after her 1st birthday. We got pregnant when she was 14 months. We tried so hard to get pregnant with her. I didn’t go back on birth control after she was born, I tracked my cycle (it was like clockwork), we rarely had sex anyway! I must have ovulated incredibly early that cycle. It was devastating. I was just starting to feel  better about my life and coming out of the fog I had been living in.

Thinking I would have to subject myself (and family) to the trauma of my breasts not working and my body failing me again was incredibly triggering. I literally could not follow through with this baby and that destroyed me. I had to choose to take care of myself and what we already had.

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