I had only just left

by Anonymous

August 17, 2022

I had my first abortion soon after I left my boyfriend of five years. I thought my symptoms were just from the stress of breaking that bond. I didn’t know I was pregnant when I left him. When I took that test, I remember calling my mom and crying to her, saying “he’s never going to let me go… I’ll never be rid of him…”

I chose to terminate because there was no way I was going to have a baby with him; not with how hateful he was, to me and everyone else, and I most certainly didn’t want to be tied to his awful family.

I was on birth control. I asked repeatedly for condoms to be used, but I’d wake up to him having sex with me. He wouldn’t always pull out. He knew how much my miscarriage affected me but since it didn’t affect him, he didn’t seem to care that he was putting me at risk again.

He had cheated on me for the second time a few months before I decided to leave. I felt stuck; I had uprooted my life to move to live with him five hours away from home. I felt like I couldn’t make it on my own, so I grinned and bared it until I couldn’t take any more arguing, insults, screaming, begging, withholding affection.

I could not have a baby with him. At one point I had thought, while we were together, that a baby would save us. I’m so glad this happened after I left, or I may have still gone through with that thought.

I did the medical abortion. It was similar to my miscarriage, pain and blood wise. I slept through most of it but I remember screaming and crying on the toilet, sweat pouring down me as my mom rubbed my back and told me it was going to be ok.

I had googled clinics trying to find help, and fell victim to a couple of those fake clinics, the “pregnancy crisis centers” and was exposed to so much fear mongering, and it was incredibly inaccurate. They told me of horror stories, trying to sway me. I had one clinic lure me in by telling me they could do a sono in order to estimate the gestational age, but when I got there, they said they don’t do that. They told me this after taking me into a room and asking me questions. They finally said they had someone who could do it. Turns out they weren’t even licensed, and they lied to me about how far I was.

I remember going into the abortion clinic out of state and being yelled at by protesters. They didn’t know me, they didn’t know my situation. They had their kids with them, which broke my heart. These kids should be out playing with their friends, and instead they were on a cold sidewalk, being made to hold up signs and yell at people. They yelled at my current partner, who I had just started dating, and was sweet enough to take me and be there for me. They yelled “are you really going to let her kill your child, man?” It wasn’t even his. And what if he was my brother? They just shout things with no intent to actually offer help or care. The clinic staff was very nice. They didn’t give me fear tactics. They told me the risks but assured me it was safer than going through with the pregnancy. The counselor was very kind.

My current partner, who I love so so so much: we were being careful. Birth control, condoms. I got pregnant, still. We both had agreed we didn’t want biological children, as we both have mental and hereditary illnesses. If we wanted kids, we’d foster or adopt an older child.

This time I did surgical. It was much less painful, and thankfully there was only one lone protester. Everyone in the clinic was so nice, I didn’t feel judged; I felt cared for and like MY life and wants mattered. I remember seeing a Shout Your Abortion book in the waiting room. They got me a script for the patch.

My partner got a vasectomy after Roe was overturned, I am so lucky to have him. I’m considering a partial hysterectomy. Even with that though I’m scared of ectopic pregnancy. I’m scared of going through this again.

My mom was adopted, has worked in CPS, and is pro choice. She doesn’t even like the system and has personally seen how lives have been ruined; both adults and the children. Having that support in my life is what’s gotten me through these things, and continues to. And I fully intend to be that support to any friend who needs it, who may not have it at home.

I will use my voice so long as I have it.

My body, my life, my choice.

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