I’m a 35 yr old mother to a smart, athletic, handsome 17 yr old boy and a sweet, caring, handsome, athletic, big 9yr. old boy. I love my boys with my whole entire Soul. I found out I was pregnant when I went in for a routine pap! Surprise!!! Guess that had explained my dizzy spells, fatigue, and just not good feeling.I hadn’t taken birth control for about 3 months because I had to go to my gyno to get them and I had missed a cpl of my appts. I was supposed to get checked every 6 months because I had irregular cells but I hadn’t been on time w my last appt. Silly me, thought, there’s no way I’d get pregnant because my ovaries were messed up and I ignorantly really thought I couldn’t get pregnant.
My boyfriend of 10+ yrs and I have had a rocky relationship and honestly weren’t very active but we did have unprotected sex and the one time he came in me, he knocked me up! So here I am laughing and crying in my doc’s office as she tells me the line was faint but I was pregnant! I was excited at first but then it turned to deep despair and sadness and so upset at myself for being so stupid.
You see, I’m an addict. My boyfriend has no clue that I even have a drug addiction and I’m also a waitress with a very physically demanding job, and most importantly, I’m a Mother who already cannot afford to live on my own and provide everything needed for my boys. I waited for my boyfriend to get home so I could tell him and boy was he shocked. I know he wanted it, but I knew I couldn’t keep it. He pretty much said it seemed as I already made my mind up so do what I want and then really didn’t speak to me at All about it after, nor was there to support me through it.
I’ve been taking suboxone for a few years due to allowing myself to get addicted to lortab and spending wayyyy too much money on buying pills off the street. I take a low dose, but its definitely a drug that I could not put into my baby’s system and I knew with my job and home there was no way I could just stop and go through hellacious withdrawals. I’m also prescribed 50 mg vyvanse daily which my body totally depends on to be able to get daily tasks and work achieved. I’m going to be sending one off to college next year and I just knew I couldn’t start all over, financially or mentally. I’m not in the best place emotionally and I haven’t been very happy or fulfilled w my relationship in years.
I knew I didn’t want to bring another child into an unhealthy environment, even though it may seem to be a great home. I knew I couldn’t go through withdrawals and still be able to live my normal day to day like working, taking kids to school, cooking, cleaning, and being pregnant and feeling like shit on top of it. There’s just no way. I wish I could say I had the willpower to just quit but I don’t, not now. I’m not ready so I most definitely knew I was in no position to bring another child into this world. I have so much I have to fix myself so I can become much better mentally and physically.
My mental health is just not where I want it to be. I have to work on me and focus on the two blessings I already have before I can throw another life into the mix! I knew I just couldn’t take away anything else from my boys including my time and attention as well as financially. I already rely on my boyfriend to pay my rent as is and I’ve been feeling stuck for a very long time. It just wouldn’t be fair to any of my babies. I did what was the absolute best for my children whom I already have and I had to tell myself that many of nights as I cried and apologized to my little love in my womb. I would have absolutely loved to have been able to have birthed that baby but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t. Im not in the right place to and I don’t want to raise another child in a possibly broken home. I’m old enough to know better and to make better decisions even though it’s not what I may have actually wanted to do.
I did it for my boys. I did it out of pure love and selfishness, honestly. And I do not regret it one bit. I opted for the medical abortion and had to travel 2+ hrs to go to a clinic that actually had openings.I went to my initial appointment and I wayyyy overthought the whole thing and was relieved to find out it was so much “better,” and easier than I anticipated. I went back a few days later to actually take the pill and get my prescription to insert that evening. I took the pill at the clinic and left about 2 hours after I arrived, it was pretty easy. I was so scared of the pain as I was going to be forced into a miscarriage but I was so relieved when it was all said and done. I went home and later that evening, I played on my bathroom floor and said a prayer and inserted the 4 pills vaginally. I took a half of a promethazine, put on a heavy pad and put a towel under me and got in bed. About 4 hours later I woke up..with slight cramping. I got up and went to pee, assuming I’d be bleeding like a stuck pig but to my surprise, nothing! I actually got a little worried that they aren’t working. Well,I took another ibuprofen 800 and laid down and fell asleep. About an hour or two later, I woke up with some pretty heavy cramping but nothing too bad. I went pee and this time, there was blood, no clots though, just bright red blood. I get back in bed, get my heating pad, and take a norco. I fell asleep on and off in between my cramping, which had gotten more intense but nothing like labor pains at all! After cramping for a good hour or two,I got up and went to pee and had felt a clot, kind of felt like a small grape, plop out of me and I just knew that my abortion was complete. I had passed my sac. I was amazed at how nonexistent it was! No big clots, no crazy bleeding, no horrible pain, none of that. And I’m not regretful and in a deep depression or none of that.I hardly bled after I passed it and my cramping pretty much stopped. It was so much easier than I expected. I was 7.5 weeks gestational so actually 5.5 weeks.
My advice would be to not read a lot of crap on the internet if you want to have an abortion! Don’t overthink it. If it’s what you want and need to do, do it and don’t feel bad about it! Don’t overwork your nerves and stress yourself out because for me it was not a terrible experience or very painful like some may tell you. I’d definitely do the medical abortion because you can actually see just how much of what you see or hear on internet is bs! At 7.5 weeks, it was nothing more than a heavy period. I feel it’s so much better emotionally and physically to do the medical And do it in your own space on your own time. I will never forget my experience and I am happy in knowing I made the right decision for me
