I am here to tell you my story. It is hard to share with people we know, so I think any & all of us who chose abortion find it easier to share with strangers because we can all relate & we come to each other for comfort, support & answered questions. My story is very similar to yours I’m sure, but I had both a medical & surgical abortion so I want to share my story about both in hopes someone can find the courage they need before making one of the hardest decisions they will ever make.
The Day I Found Out
I had been feeling unbearably nauseous for 2 weeks straight. I really didn’t think much of it because I am nauseous a lot thanks to my anxiety so I really didn’t think twice about it. I started to get nervous when the smell, taste, and texture of meat made me want to vomit. I had ate grilled chicken, lean turkey, hamburgers etc weekly for dinner so I became leery when all I could keep down for dinner was cereal or lunchables. It wasn’t until I was talking with a friend that I finally mustered up the courage to take a test. My boyfriend was at dinner with his best friend so I was like this is a perfect time. I was home alone, what’s the worst that could happen?
I peed on the stick. Waited. Prayed. Looked.
One bright pink line and….and faint pink like.
Positive.
I. Was. Pregnant.
I immediately googled what the faint line meant (really hoping google would tell me it was a negative test) and FaceTimed my friends to show her the test. She google confirmed it. Positive.
I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do.
I texted my boyfriend and asked him how fast he could get home. He asked why? I texted him the picture of the test. He said I can be home in 5 minutes. I told him to grab the most expensive tests he could find and multiple of them so that I could really confirm this. He laid on the bed, absolutely in shock while I said on the toilet and took 2 more tests. They both came back positive. We didn’t even know when or how this happened.
No, I wasn’t on birth control (hadn’t been in 6 months because I didn’t like the way my birth control affected my mood & body) and the good ole pull out method had always worked the past 2 & 1/2 years we had been together.
I immediately began to weigh out my options, and think about the pros and cons. We had always thought about having children, but went back & forth on when we would both be ready. And we knew right now wasn’t the time. I personally had been against abortion all my life. I wasn’t that person who shamed others, or tried to change others’ opinions about their decision, I just didn’t think it was okay in my head.
But, I truly think you don’t know what you believe until you experience it. Until you are in that situation, you don’t know what you’ll do.
So, I made an appointment online at Planned Parenthood a week later so that I had time to think about my decision and make sure it was the right one for both myself, the baby, and my boyfriend (and let me say, he was very supportive of whichever route I was going).
The Medical Abortion
I was leery about my appointment at Planned Parenthood. I was terrified of the potential protesters outside and I was even more terrified that the staff at Planned Parenthood would judge me & also try to change my mind. But, as soon as I arrived (protester free) the staff greeted me with smiles and made me feel welcome and supported. My boyfriend attended the appointment with me because he knew I was scared and I needed his support the most especially in this situation. When they called my name, my heart dropped. I was really doing this. I went into a room and they had me undress from the waist down for a vaginal ultrasound. Coming from a girl who was too terrified to have a pap smear (and had never had anything up her hooha but a penis) I was absolutely PETRIFIED. I will say that the ultrasound was uncomfortable, but the pain was 0/10. I was just a baby. When she said I was measuring at 8 week, my mouth dropped. I really did not know when the heck this happened. She let me see the screen and asked if I wanted a picture. I declined. I heard the heartbeat and I knew I was making the right decision when I felt absolutely nothing at the sound of it’s heartbeat. I was numb. I did not feel any connection with the fetus inside of me.
Next, I went to the lab and had my finger pricked. After that, I went into a quick counseling session (without my boyfriend) and made the appointment to come back for the medication abortion and they gave me the do’s & don’t’s and other information I would need to know.
Finally, I went into the last part of the appointment and spoke with a doctor (boyfriend included) about what my next steps were and one more question about if this was the decision I wanted to make. The doctor was amazing and I can’t say enough about how supportive she was & how comfortable and confident she made me feel in my decision. She truly deserves an award! I left there feeling relieved. It would all be over soon.
When I came back a week later, I went by myself and it was a quick appointment. They gave me the first pill, and then instructions on when to take the next one and sent me on my way.
I took the 4 pills you dissolve in your cheeks exactly 24 hours later at home and laid in bed with my dog & boyfriend. I was doing good until I puked 45 minutes later. I panicked. I immediately called PP and asked them what to do. They said it was okay as long as I started bleeding soon and to not worry because most of it had already dissolved. I did start bleeding and relief fell over me. It was heavy the first couple of hours and the cramps were a 6/10 on the pain scale. I had a few clots in the beginning but nothing like I expected. The next day I still hadn’t passed a large clot so I called PP and they said as long as I was bleeding the medication should be working just fine. I took their word for it.
The Surgical Abortion
A couple days after taking the medication I felt fine. The soreness in my breasts had subsided and although I was still a little nauseous, it was nothing compared to what it had been! I was still feeling bloated but after reading on a couple of different websites, a lot of my symptoms were normal. I had to wait 2 & 1/2 weeks for my follow up (because of my work schedule, I had already missed more then enough work so I waited for a Saturday appointment). I went in feeling confident that it was over. I was called back and went into the same room I had my first ultrasound in. She inserted the device and fell silent. I said, “did it work?” She replied with, “you took the second dose of medication within 48 hours, correct?” My stomach DROPPED. I said yes and gave her the exact timeline of taking the medication (and throwing it back up). When she said, “you’re still measuring at 11 weeks & 4 days,” I thought I was going to pass out. My heart sank. I knew what I had to do next. The procedure, the one thing I was trying to avoid at all costs.
Due to COVID-19, my boyfriend had to stay outside in his vehicle and could not go in with me. As soon as the nurse left the room to get the doctor I immediately called him and wept until the doctor came in. I was terrified. The biggest “procedure” I had ever had in my life was a cavity being filled. I avoided doctors at all costs unless I was dying.
The doctor and nurse walked me through all of the steps and told me not to worry and that this procedure would all be done in under 10 minutes. I left feeling betrayed. I knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault, not even mine, but I was angry with my body for not doing “what it was supposed to do,” or, “what I wanted.”
I cried the whole way home & I cried internally until the day of my procedure.
I read every article, every personal story, watched every video, listened to any podcast I could to try and prepare myself.
The night & morning before my procedure, my 4 best friends sent me encouraging quotes, and videos of themselves so that I could play them during my procedure. Having an amazing support system really made this whole process easy. My heart hurts for the women who do not have a support system, but I admire you for your strength to do it alone.
The day I walked into my procedure, I felt small, weak, and terrified. I kissed my boyfriend bye and walked in alone (thanks, COVID-19). I sat in the waiting room for 30 minutes and listened to my friends’ videos. I cried because I had never felt so loved. When they called my name my heart dropped. It was time. I was taken to the bathroom and peed in a cup. Next I was taken to the recovery room where I met 2 more amazing nurses. They sat me in a recliner and gave me 2 ibuprofen, 2 Valium (anti-anxiety medicine), an antibiotic (to prevent infection), and 4 pills to insert in my cheeks and dissolve for 30 minutes (the same kind I took for the medication abortion). Then she took my blood pressure & gave me a peppermint to sit on my tongue to dissolve with the pills to help with my nausea (so I didn’t puke them up like last time). After that, I was told I had to sit for 2 hours so that it would allow my cervix to soften. About an hour in I ran to the bathroom with diarrhea. Explosive diarrhea. I came out & they asked if I was okay. I told them what happened and they said I know it’s unfortunate but that just means the medication is working. Then I became a little tired and dozed off to try and make time pass faster. I was woken up to a doctor and a nurse asking if I was ready to go back. I almost puked. Was I ready? NO! I was petrified- but I knew what had to be done.
They took me back to the surgery room. It was a very large room and it was cold back there. Then, they had me undress from the waist down and laid a sheet over my waist. The doctor I had at my very first ultrasound was there with me and I felt relieved to have someone I “knew” in the room with me. She asked how I felt and I said that I didn’t think the Valium worked at all. I didn’t feel loopy, tired, or “drunk” (that is how one of the nurses explained I may feel because I had never had Valium or any other sedative before). She replied and said unfortunately that is how it works sometimes and I’d be okay. Next the doctor came in and asked if I was ready. I said yes (internally I was a mess, I was losing it). I laid back on the table & she did an exam. Which means, she stuck her finger deeper than I’ve ever had anything go, including a penis (graphic, I know). The doctor (a female) said honey you’ve gotta let me do this so I can make sure everything is okay before I proceed. I said okay I’m sorry. I was holding a doctor and a nurses hands squeezing for dear life. They kept telling me to relax and I can do this. She inserts the speculum, mind you, I’ve never had a pap-smear so I didn’t know what to expect when they inserted this foreign object in my body. Although it didn’t hurt that bad (3/10), it was highly uncomfortable and I yelled, “take it out, take it OUT!” She (the doctor performing the procedure) took it out and said, “honey, this isn’t even the worst part. What’s wrong?” I said, “I’m scared, it hurts.” I was crying by this point. Everyone in the room reassured me I would be okay & I can do it. I took 10 deep breaths & said okay, let’s do this.
She put the speculum back in and I yelled to take it out again. The doctor was frustrated. I would be too. I lost it. I sat up and started bawling my eyes out. This was the first time I was emotional about the whole process. The first time I truly realized what I was doing. I had a mental breakdown in the middle of the procedure. Everyone could tell I wasn’t okay. They rubbed my back and asked me what i was scared of? What could they further explain to help me? I just said over & over how scared I was, how weak I am, and how much of a baby I was when it came to things like this. The doctor said look me in the eyes, I did. “Honey, I can have this done in 2 minutes. Don’t tell me you can’t handle 2 minutes of discomfort. Have you ever had a cavity filled?” “Yes.” I replied. “Then you can do this, I can finish this process faster than a cavity.” I said okay. “120 seconds, can you do this? We will count down from 120 and it’ll all be over, how about that?” One of the nurses said to me. I said “yes, let’s count.” They laid me back and we started counting. In goes the speculum. I began yelling, “I can do this!” Over and over as the nurse and doctor yelled with me. As I was yelling she injected 2 numbing shots into my cervix. I didn’t feel either. No burn, no pinch. Next, she inserted a very small tube. She was describing everything she was doing but I couldn’t hear (and I didn’t want to hear) over myself and the people holding my hand counting and yelling that I could do this. She said you are going to experience 10 seconds of period cramps 3 times. We counted and the cramps were pretty bad. 8/10. And we as soon as we finished the 3rd round of cramps she yelled, “sweetie you’re done! You did it!” I was relieved. I began to cry. It was such a powerful moment for me. I overcame what I thought I couldn’t do. What I told myself I couldn’t do. The doctor left the room to do a test to make sure the procedure was as officially finished. I sat up and asked for water. I was out of breath from yelling. The nurse grabbed me water and the other doctor in the room held my hand and said she was so proud of me. It was instant relief, truly. The wait for the doctor to come back to let me know if everything was final or not was the longest wait of my life (but really, it was less than 5 minutes). She came in and said “you’re good to go! You did it!” I was so happy. The doctor helped me back into my underwear and pants and took me back to the recovery room. She turned to me and said, “you feel like a bad ass, don’t you?” I said, “yes, I really do.”
In the recovery room they gave me a new pad and checked my blood pressure. It was a little low because of the Valium so I had to wait another 15 minutes before I got to leave. They had a Sierra Mist and a heating pad for the lingering cramps I was experiencing, which were a 6/10. After 15 minutes she checked my blood pressure again and made sure my cramps weren’t a 10/10. Then she said honey you are free to go! I walked out of the door and straight to my boyfriends truck. As soon as I got in he hugged me and kissed me and told me how proud he was of me.
Days After The Procedure
It’s been a little under a week since my procedure. I am still bleeding/spotting, but I have had little to no cramps. I am still very confident in my decision and am glad I made it. For those of you who are terrified of the procedure, I want you to know that if I can do it, you CAN DO IT! The pain does get to 10/10 but it’s nothing you can’t handle. If I didn’t pass out from the pain , you won’t either. It’s really all mental. I really hyped it up in my head about how terrible, painful, and scary it would be. But, I want you to know that you can do this. Just think of the instant relief you will feel after and that’s all you need to think of to pull through. I believe in you
