I had two abortions with the last 12 months, and it sucked.
The first was a medical abortion, because I thought it would be easier for me. It was not. After taking the first pill, and having to wait 24-48 hours to take the second one, I felt like a walking morgue. It almost broke me.
After the first one, I went on hormonal birth control. But the abortion, and the extra hormones in my body combined to spin me into the worst depressive episode of my life. So, I went off hormonal birth control and tried using cycle tracking, which, prior to my current partner, had worked for me my entire sexual life. Spoiler alert- it failed.
The second abortion was a devastating blow to my fragile mental health. I was less than 6 months out from my first abortion when I found out I had become pregnant again. The state I live in has extremely limited access, and restrictions in place to make it incredibly difficult for people to access abortion care. When I called the clinic I had gone to the first time, they told me I would have to wait for at least two weeks for my first consultation appointment. Which isn’t even the appointment when you start the physical abortion process. I was distraught. Again, I felt like a walking morgue.
I sat with my decision for a week, waiting for my first appointment, which was agony. Eventually, I begin researching abortion access in surrounding states, to see if there was any other option for me. I ended up flying out of state, during a pandemic, to access the abortion care I needed in a timely manner, and it was the best decision I could have made for myself and my mental health.
I still have strong feelings about everything I have gone through, everything I have put my body through, this past year. And I’m working on them with my therapist. But, I want other people to know that just because you know you made the right decision, doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel sad about having an abortion…or, in my case, two.
